"I Guess Pride Is My Idol Now..."

That line came from a song by this Rap artist that I just found, his name is Swoope. That particular line was in Andy Mindeo's song Fool's Gold, which also featured Sho Baraka. So, three of my favoritists (I know it's not a real word, I know this) artists all on one track. It's a good song.

That one line really resonates with me though.

I don't think people really get how prideful I am. How much of a narcissist I am. And how much I battle my pride. If Jesus didn't show me how little I really am, I'd be a real jerk... well... more of a real jerk. But anywho.

It bothers me when people compliment me. And at the same time, I feel like I need it.
I am uncomfortable when people compliment me because I know who I am. And people build me up as if I am some amazing person, and I know good and well that I am not. I know the sin within me. The very fact that sometimes I agree with their compliments is proof enough that I have a long way to go.

Compliments also put a lot of pressure on me. Pressure that, on first glance I don't notice. But when I spend some time thinking about it, I can see it. As a simple example, it has taken me three days to sit down and write this. Why? Because people think so highly of me, that I don't really want to expose my flaws and let them see how much I fail. I get afraid like, "man, if I tell them this, what will they think about me? They say that they got my back, but I have seen a lot of hate from these people against others."
It makes honesty and confession super hard.

Of course, even that some how seems to backfire on me. I struggle with pride, a lot. haha. And sometimes when I confess it, people compliment me on my transparency and "humility". It kinda makes me laugh.

I'll be honest, I am really, really terrified of myself. I love getting recognition, and I know how to get it. I know how to play people if I really wanted to. And none of them would ever know. And it would be easy. That may sound prideful for me to say, but the fact is, that when humans chase after what their flesh desires, they have a knack for acquiring it like a professional. My flesh desires to feed my pride, and my ego. I hope, and desperately pray that God teaches me humility.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying compliments are wrong. Go ahead, say what you will. But I just have got to let you know who I really am. And I want you all to know that when I reply back something like, "I don't see it," or "I don't really believe it," or "Nah, I'm just highly overrated." It's not because I have low self-esteem. It's because I know how highly I think of myself. I desperately want to be humble, I know I'm not. Pride, is my idol now. I am just trying to kill it. It's hard though, cause it's equivalent to killing yourself. I mean that literally. What do you think pride is?? It is the "me obsession."

I don't say that to say that I am struggling just as much as someone who is struggling with so much pain that they feel like they need to kill themselves to get out. I say that so as to say that, I am literally seeking to kill my self-preservation and self-seeking self. I am trying to kill myself.

There's a lot more that I wish I could confess to you. And one day I will, I believe that. I don't really care how you receive it. I seek acceptance only from God. I confess because it is freeing, and leads to healing. I  confess because I hope that someone may benefit from my struggles. I confess because I have watched many, many people, bottle their struggle up, only to watch it explode.

"Most of us be lyin' like our lives don't need perfectin',"--Lecrae.

I'm done lyin' about my struggle. That leads only to more lying, and more pride.

Thanks for reading,

John Mark,