Dry Season:

I'll be honest. I don't really always like life. I have some days that I am just sick of it all. Although, it usually lasts longer than a day... more like weeks at a time. And, this is one of those times. Why do I hate these times? Cause I feel dry. Distant from God. Like the bridge between us is broken. Or as if He just gave up on me.

I hate this. I feel numb. I don't feel sad. I'm not depressed. But I don't feel happy. I long for that time when I feel God's presence again. When I read my Bible, and new things are jumping out at me on every page. But now, I don't feel that, at all.
I do my best to get into my Bible every day, not because it is some routine, but because I am hoping that, one day I will open it and be back at that place where I am reading and it is jumping out to me like it did before. I want that so bad. I thrive on that. I love and live for the presence of God. And right now. I don't feel it.

Who knows. Maybe it makes me a terrible Christian. Feeling entirely uninspired to do, or write anything Biblical. I love learning from that beautiful book. I love teaching about that beautiful book.

I really can not wait, until the day when Christ returns in a glorious show unlike my puny mind could imagine. When pain is no more and only comfort remains as we stand beholding His beauty and glowing in light of Him. Being entirely sustained by His self-sustaining power. Every pain, every tear, all will fall away. And all the good things that we enjoy will be brought back to their original perfect form before they were broken by depravity. And we shall be happy, and joyful, forever. I would rather be there then here.

But while I'm not. I will continue, even though I hate the lack of progress. I will continue on. I will keep seeking after God. Because tasting that sweet intimacy with Christ, is worth the dragging on life that I feel without it. God is faithful. He won't leave me like this forever. I know my Savior, and He will return. I eagerly await that day.

Confession: The Path to Healing.

So, it has been a day since I posted "From the hands of a failure." And I feel as though I need to write a follow up. I want to give you all some clairty in the why of my posting such a raw post. It all falls back on my heavy conviction of confession.

I gave you all the gruesome details of my struggle, and my fall, and I kinda left it at that. I am a strong believer in healing--healing that stems from grace alone. But I also believer that in order for healing there is a process that we have to take on. And that process is both confession, and repentence. And I don't believe you can repent without confessing. So let me try to explain my stance of confession.

I believe that confession--true confession--requires no pride. In fact it plays a great deal in destroying pride.
There are two types of confession. One is prideful, and one is not.
A prideful confession is one that seeks out pity. You confess so that people will feel bad for you.
The other kind, is for healing. Where you come humbly, realizing the filth of your actions.

Let's get into this. Whenever I fall--I sin--one of the passages that I first go to is Psalm 51. And if you are struggling with sin, I strongly suggest that you study this chapter. It was written by King David after he committed adultery with Bathsheeba, and killed her husband Uraiah. Wow. Haha, David messed up.
Well, writing was an outlet for David. He released pain, joy, heartache, guilt, anger, everything, through hebrew poetry and songs, many of which are recorded in what we call The Psalms.
And in this Psalm he writes down what he is going through, after this sin of his. And honestly, it describes exactly how I feel when I have fallen into sexual sin.
Since I am covering confession, I will try to stay on Psalm 51 very briefly, cause I have a lot to cover concerning this. My focal point in that Psalm is verse 17:

"The sacrifices of God area broken spirit,
A broken heart,
O God, you will not despise."

This is the heart of true confession. And where we need to start in our confessions. In confession, we first need to realize our filth, what we have done. We need to let conviction--the healthy form of guilt--sink in. We need to be heartbroken over our sins. We need to feel broken over our crime against God. Pride has no place before God. And I fear for the man who thinks so much of himself as to stand pridefully before God.

Why should we confess? Several reasons. The primary purpose of confession is healing. Jeremiah 3 records God talking to Israel about there sins, and concerning them He says in verses 12-13:

“‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will frown on you no longer,
    for I am faithful,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will not be angry forever.
    Only acknowledge your guilt—
    you have rebelled against the Lord your God,
    you have scattered your favors to foreign gods
    under every spreading tree,
    and have not obeyed me,’”
    declares the Lord.

All that God requires of us is that we realize and admitt our wrong, and He will forgive us. And as time goes on, He will heal us. This is what God requires. Why? Because God gives grace to the humble, but He brings low those who are prideful. (James 4:6, and all throughout the proverbs). He requires no act on our parts, but merely us to humble ourselves, and turn to Him. This is the beauty of God and His grace. 2 Chronicles 7:14 would back me up on this too.
God is full of grace, but first requires humility.

True confession has no pride. Because it is confession that seeks out nothing for itself except healing. It is humble enought to admit that it is wrong, that it needs help.

Confession is a sign of conviction. John 3:


19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

Confession is coming to the light. If you refuse to come into the light, it is because you hate the light, because the light will expose you. But the exposure of our sins shouldn't be an issue. It clearly states in the last verse that God sees our sins plainly, even though they are done in the dark. So, therefore, confession is a sign of conviction, coming into the light, confessiong to God and man what God already knows.

For me personally, I would much rather come out and expose my own sins then to have God expose me before all men (Matthew 10:26). Or far worse, that I would have to take on the punishment for my deeds that I kept hidden (Hebrews 10:31).

And then there is confession before men. I normally refer back to James 5:14-16 when on this subject, where it specifically says to confess in order to be healed. And that you will be healed.

Now am I saying that in order for healing that you must write a blog and post it on the interwebs for all to see? No. I wish I hadn't. I did so only under conviction. And in doing so, Christ is using that to humble me. That my filth is known.

Let me give you what I did personally. During the entire time that I was in this sin, I was constantly praying for help. I hated my sin. I still hate it. The weekend came around, and I started to struggle, slightly less. But still struggling a lot. I constantly came before God acknowledging my guilt and my crimes. And I believe, according to what the Bible says, that forgiveness was given, and healing began. But in order for healing to be complete, the process must continue. So, Sunday night, I grabbed two of the guys from my youth group, two that I trust immensely and that have helped me grow in my faith tremendously. And I told them everything. I asked them to pray for me (which they did immediately, I praise God for them), and I asked them to hold me accountable. And I had them take measures to keep me from falling.

And then I wrote the blog. I wrote it as a personal note. I get that confession is hard. Especially after you confess once, and then you sin right after, so you have to confess again. It's embarressing, it's humiliating. I know. But it is worth it, if we come to a place of healing. This is the way God has given for us to be healed. One that requires humility.

So, if you are struggling with sin, I beg of you, humble yourself before God. Confess to Him the deeds that He already knows. And also confess to Christians around you who keep you strong. God is a Lover, and a Healer. He is faithful. Seek Him.

He is greater than i

From the hand of a failure:

I don't really know how to start this. But I guess the only fair way to start this is with a warning.

For any and all who know me, you know that writing is my outlet. I get stuff out by writing it. I am extremely expressive. I have always been in love with words. So I bleed on to paper. Pen and paper knows more about me than any one or anything; save Christ. When I am angry, depressed, sad, happy, or whatever, I can only accurately express it through words. And so here I am, once again cutting a vein, and bleeding out what's in. As I proceed, I don't believe, or intend this, to in any way, be something that that will boost my reputation. On the contrary, I intend this entirely to destroy me. To destroy my reputation, every rumor or thought, that John Mark Allen is a great man. Or that he is any good representation of Christ or Christianity.

Over the past week or two. I have been in a dry spot in life. I felt extremely distant from God. I couldn't feel Him, my prayers hit the ceiling and then fell back, and my Bible felt empty and lifeless. And this, for me, was terribly frustrating.
In this time, I began to fall. You see, whenever I begin to feel depressed, the biggest struggle I have is with lust. So first my thoughts fell. And this eventually led to porn.
Oh if mere words could express how much I abhor my existance. This, would indeed deem me a hypocrite due to all that I have taught. To all that I have told and taught that lust is equivalent to rape, to all the times I have claimed to respect and treasure women. All the times I have claimed that they are worth more than a tool for man's lust (which indeed they are, my actions do not take away from their worth, merely my view of it). I hate it. I hate not just my actions, but my being. I, of all people, knew better.
Then, to my humiliation, I recall back several months ago, where in words of anger I expressed with my brother, that I would not fall in that temptation. Ha.

Anger. I claim it to be my enemy but I call on him frequently as if he were a friend.
Recently, I have been entirely too quick to get angry and to snap off at my family. I became easily frustrated, annoyed and irritable to any and all around me. This had been going on for several weeks.

I honestly believe that anger, and lust even, are rooted by pride. Pride that says, I am good enough, I have the right, to be angry. I have the right to be angry because they had the audacity to oppose me. I have the right because I am me. Anger is selfcentered about what I want. It is rooted by pride.
Lust is as well. In that the entire time that I was falling into the hands of that temptation, I never stopped it in order to consider how degrading it was to women in general. My thoughts fell soley onto me. Getting momentary pleasure for me. Not considering that this would affect the way I view all women, and how it could affect the way I treat them. No, it all revolved around me.

Pride. I am an extremely prideful and self absorbed individual. If the above does not convince you, let me continue.
I love looking at myself. Seriously. My family can attest to the fact, that even if I was blind, I could locate a mirror in order to admire myself.
I love attention. Goodness, I know how to draw attention to myself. And I do it at times. I have even used my beliefs at times, in subtle ways, to get attention to myself. To impress people.
The Bible would describe this as robbing God of His glory.
Glorifying myself. Seeking praise for myself. Seeking to have my name known. Seeking fame for myself.

Oh goodness. I am a mess. I don't know what else to write, in this confession. I have written all that I can rememeber.
Please do not read this and assume that I am trying, in any way, to build myself up (though honestly, if you think that, I have no idea how or why). There is no pride in what I have done. Nothing noble or praiseworthy. It is all filthy and disgusting. And I thoroughly hate it. And would much rather not to have written this. But I am bound by conviction, as will be explained.

My entire point in writing this out, was not to glorify myself as a great Christian, because I have the guts to confess this on the internet. I don't want any of you to know any of this about me. I would rather you think that I have never fallen to these sins. I would rather be esteemed well.

My point was to have each and all who read this, to be thoroughly disgusted with me. To be appalled that John Mark would sin like this. Because I know my reputation among you, it is a good one. I want you to see me as a failure. As a waste. As Filth. And then I Want you to look at Christ. I know that it is hard to believe in all of this that Christ loved me enough to save me. He didn't suddenly decide to love me when I cleaned up. Or else He would obviously hate me. Rather, He knew about all this junk. He knew about all of my sins, and when I was His enemy He died for me. He saved me. He loved me. I want you to see His grace! I want you to see Him! I want to be disgusting to you, so that Christ will be shown so much more glorious to you all! Because in this, He becomes greater, and I become less. Look to Jesus. Not to me. Because I am worthy of wrath. He alone is good in me.

I honestly believe that God led me into that temptation in order that I may fall. So that I would realize my worthlessness, in order to lead me to be humble before my God, and not proud. God was very gracious to me, in that, this sin was all that He required I go through, in order to bring me low.

I apologize to you all, for how I have failed you as one trying to lead.


He MUST become greater, and I MUST become less.

Running unprepared.

I remember it well. I was running a 5k. I hadn't ran in a while, but my sis signed me up to run it with her, and I'm all about that. So I'm out there, not in near as good of shape as I thought I was. I had gone to that race thinking I was gonna kill it. I had a lot of confidence in my running, like please, 3 miles? Psh, I eat that for breakfast.

Then after about a mile, I'm chokin. My lack of training had got to me. I was walking just a little bit. And then a little bit more. And overall just a bit more than I like to. But, this little competitive kid kept pushing.

After awhile. The finish line came into view. I felt very happy. I looked at the timing clock. No personal record. But I could live with it. But hey, why not get the best I can with these last 30 yards? It's time to sprint. Well, really it was a swift hobble. Haha.

After I cross. I feel sick. Really sick. Not the normal sick I feel when I finish a race. So I desperately am trying to get to some water. Then this girl is all like, I need that paper off your tag for timing records. And I'm like, well I need water. (This conversation didn't actually happen. I consisted of my thoughts.) I gave her the paper and got a sip of water. But it was too late. I walked a little bit away and hurled a lil bit. First time I've ever done that after a race. It was interesting that's for sure.

After the race concluded and we all went to lunch. I informed my sister about it. And she felt terrible. But I was like, nah, it's cool.

I know you're probably wondering where I'm headed with this. Haha, if you're still reading, bear with me.

There's a couple lessons to be learned here. If you don't train you won't succeed. You can be as confident as you want based on your past, but if you're not preparing for what's ahead, you won't finish efficiently.

Sometimes, God pushes us so hard that it makes us puke. You get worn out, and to top it off you hurl. Lovely. Haha. But the fact is, that losing what you wanted to keep in helps you out and makes you feel better. Sometimes you need to lose something.

The past week or two have been full of discouragements for me. In several different ways. God is pushing me, and I'm not as prepped as I wanna be. And I may lose something I wanna keep in. But ultimately, it will all be the best.

To God be the glory forever and ever.