Dry Season:

I'll be honest. I don't really always like life. I have some days that I am just sick of it all. Although, it usually lasts longer than a day... more like weeks at a time. And, this is one of those times. Why do I hate these times? Cause I feel dry. Distant from God. Like the bridge between us is broken. Or as if He just gave up on me.

I hate this. I feel numb. I don't feel sad. I'm not depressed. But I don't feel happy. I long for that time when I feel God's presence again. When I read my Bible, and new things are jumping out at me on every page. But now, I don't feel that, at all.
I do my best to get into my Bible every day, not because it is some routine, but because I am hoping that, one day I will open it and be back at that place where I am reading and it is jumping out to me like it did before. I want that so bad. I thrive on that. I love and live for the presence of God. And right now. I don't feel it.

Who knows. Maybe it makes me a terrible Christian. Feeling entirely uninspired to do, or write anything Biblical. I love learning from that beautiful book. I love teaching about that beautiful book.

I really can not wait, until the day when Christ returns in a glorious show unlike my puny mind could imagine. When pain is no more and only comfort remains as we stand beholding His beauty and glowing in light of Him. Being entirely sustained by His self-sustaining power. Every pain, every tear, all will fall away. And all the good things that we enjoy will be brought back to their original perfect form before they were broken by depravity. And we shall be happy, and joyful, forever. I would rather be there then here.

But while I'm not. I will continue, even though I hate the lack of progress. I will continue on. I will keep seeking after God. Because tasting that sweet intimacy with Christ, is worth the dragging on life that I feel without it. God is faithful. He won't leave me like this forever. I know my Savior, and He will return. I eagerly await that day.

Confession: The Path to Healing.

So, it has been a day since I posted "From the hands of a failure." And I feel as though I need to write a follow up. I want to give you all some clairty in the why of my posting such a raw post. It all falls back on my heavy conviction of confession.

I gave you all the gruesome details of my struggle, and my fall, and I kinda left it at that. I am a strong believer in healing--healing that stems from grace alone. But I also believer that in order for healing there is a process that we have to take on. And that process is both confession, and repentence. And I don't believe you can repent without confessing. So let me try to explain my stance of confession.

I believe that confession--true confession--requires no pride. In fact it plays a great deal in destroying pride.
There are two types of confession. One is prideful, and one is not.
A prideful confession is one that seeks out pity. You confess so that people will feel bad for you.
The other kind, is for healing. Where you come humbly, realizing the filth of your actions.

Let's get into this. Whenever I fall--I sin--one of the passages that I first go to is Psalm 51. And if you are struggling with sin, I strongly suggest that you study this chapter. It was written by King David after he committed adultery with Bathsheeba, and killed her husband Uraiah. Wow. Haha, David messed up.
Well, writing was an outlet for David. He released pain, joy, heartache, guilt, anger, everything, through hebrew poetry and songs, many of which are recorded in what we call The Psalms.
And in this Psalm he writes down what he is going through, after this sin of his. And honestly, it describes exactly how I feel when I have fallen into sexual sin.
Since I am covering confession, I will try to stay on Psalm 51 very briefly, cause I have a lot to cover concerning this. My focal point in that Psalm is verse 17:

"The sacrifices of God area broken spirit,
A broken heart,
O God, you will not despise."

This is the heart of true confession. And where we need to start in our confessions. In confession, we first need to realize our filth, what we have done. We need to let conviction--the healthy form of guilt--sink in. We need to be heartbroken over our sins. We need to feel broken over our crime against God. Pride has no place before God. And I fear for the man who thinks so much of himself as to stand pridefully before God.

Why should we confess? Several reasons. The primary purpose of confession is healing. Jeremiah 3 records God talking to Israel about there sins, and concerning them He says in verses 12-13:

“‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will frown on you no longer,
    for I am faithful,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will not be angry forever.
    Only acknowledge your guilt—
    you have rebelled against the Lord your God,
    you have scattered your favors to foreign gods
    under every spreading tree,
    and have not obeyed me,’”
    declares the Lord.

All that God requires of us is that we realize and admitt our wrong, and He will forgive us. And as time goes on, He will heal us. This is what God requires. Why? Because God gives grace to the humble, but He brings low those who are prideful. (James 4:6, and all throughout the proverbs). He requires no act on our parts, but merely us to humble ourselves, and turn to Him. This is the beauty of God and His grace. 2 Chronicles 7:14 would back me up on this too.
God is full of grace, but first requires humility.

True confession has no pride. Because it is confession that seeks out nothing for itself except healing. It is humble enought to admit that it is wrong, that it needs help.

Confession is a sign of conviction. John 3:


19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

Confession is coming to the light. If you refuse to come into the light, it is because you hate the light, because the light will expose you. But the exposure of our sins shouldn't be an issue. It clearly states in the last verse that God sees our sins plainly, even though they are done in the dark. So, therefore, confession is a sign of conviction, coming into the light, confessiong to God and man what God already knows.

For me personally, I would much rather come out and expose my own sins then to have God expose me before all men (Matthew 10:26). Or far worse, that I would have to take on the punishment for my deeds that I kept hidden (Hebrews 10:31).

And then there is confession before men. I normally refer back to James 5:14-16 when on this subject, where it specifically says to confess in order to be healed. And that you will be healed.

Now am I saying that in order for healing that you must write a blog and post it on the interwebs for all to see? No. I wish I hadn't. I did so only under conviction. And in doing so, Christ is using that to humble me. That my filth is known.

Let me give you what I did personally. During the entire time that I was in this sin, I was constantly praying for help. I hated my sin. I still hate it. The weekend came around, and I started to struggle, slightly less. But still struggling a lot. I constantly came before God acknowledging my guilt and my crimes. And I believe, according to what the Bible says, that forgiveness was given, and healing began. But in order for healing to be complete, the process must continue. So, Sunday night, I grabbed two of the guys from my youth group, two that I trust immensely and that have helped me grow in my faith tremendously. And I told them everything. I asked them to pray for me (which they did immediately, I praise God for them), and I asked them to hold me accountable. And I had them take measures to keep me from falling.

And then I wrote the blog. I wrote it as a personal note. I get that confession is hard. Especially after you confess once, and then you sin right after, so you have to confess again. It's embarressing, it's humiliating. I know. But it is worth it, if we come to a place of healing. This is the way God has given for us to be healed. One that requires humility.

So, if you are struggling with sin, I beg of you, humble yourself before God. Confess to Him the deeds that He already knows. And also confess to Christians around you who keep you strong. God is a Lover, and a Healer. He is faithful. Seek Him.

He is greater than i

From the hand of a failure:

I don't really know how to start this. But I guess the only fair way to start this is with a warning.

For any and all who know me, you know that writing is my outlet. I get stuff out by writing it. I am extremely expressive. I have always been in love with words. So I bleed on to paper. Pen and paper knows more about me than any one or anything; save Christ. When I am angry, depressed, sad, happy, or whatever, I can only accurately express it through words. And so here I am, once again cutting a vein, and bleeding out what's in. As I proceed, I don't believe, or intend this, to in any way, be something that that will boost my reputation. On the contrary, I intend this entirely to destroy me. To destroy my reputation, every rumor or thought, that John Mark Allen is a great man. Or that he is any good representation of Christ or Christianity.

Over the past week or two. I have been in a dry spot in life. I felt extremely distant from God. I couldn't feel Him, my prayers hit the ceiling and then fell back, and my Bible felt empty and lifeless. And this, for me, was terribly frustrating.
In this time, I began to fall. You see, whenever I begin to feel depressed, the biggest struggle I have is with lust. So first my thoughts fell. And this eventually led to porn.
Oh if mere words could express how much I abhor my existance. This, would indeed deem me a hypocrite due to all that I have taught. To all that I have told and taught that lust is equivalent to rape, to all the times I have claimed to respect and treasure women. All the times I have claimed that they are worth more than a tool for man's lust (which indeed they are, my actions do not take away from their worth, merely my view of it). I hate it. I hate not just my actions, but my being. I, of all people, knew better.
Then, to my humiliation, I recall back several months ago, where in words of anger I expressed with my brother, that I would not fall in that temptation. Ha.

Anger. I claim it to be my enemy but I call on him frequently as if he were a friend.
Recently, I have been entirely too quick to get angry and to snap off at my family. I became easily frustrated, annoyed and irritable to any and all around me. This had been going on for several weeks.

I honestly believe that anger, and lust even, are rooted by pride. Pride that says, I am good enough, I have the right, to be angry. I have the right to be angry because they had the audacity to oppose me. I have the right because I am me. Anger is selfcentered about what I want. It is rooted by pride.
Lust is as well. In that the entire time that I was falling into the hands of that temptation, I never stopped it in order to consider how degrading it was to women in general. My thoughts fell soley onto me. Getting momentary pleasure for me. Not considering that this would affect the way I view all women, and how it could affect the way I treat them. No, it all revolved around me.

Pride. I am an extremely prideful and self absorbed individual. If the above does not convince you, let me continue.
I love looking at myself. Seriously. My family can attest to the fact, that even if I was blind, I could locate a mirror in order to admire myself.
I love attention. Goodness, I know how to draw attention to myself. And I do it at times. I have even used my beliefs at times, in subtle ways, to get attention to myself. To impress people.
The Bible would describe this as robbing God of His glory.
Glorifying myself. Seeking praise for myself. Seeking to have my name known. Seeking fame for myself.

Oh goodness. I am a mess. I don't know what else to write, in this confession. I have written all that I can rememeber.
Please do not read this and assume that I am trying, in any way, to build myself up (though honestly, if you think that, I have no idea how or why). There is no pride in what I have done. Nothing noble or praiseworthy. It is all filthy and disgusting. And I thoroughly hate it. And would much rather not to have written this. But I am bound by conviction, as will be explained.

My entire point in writing this out, was not to glorify myself as a great Christian, because I have the guts to confess this on the internet. I don't want any of you to know any of this about me. I would rather you think that I have never fallen to these sins. I would rather be esteemed well.

My point was to have each and all who read this, to be thoroughly disgusted with me. To be appalled that John Mark would sin like this. Because I know my reputation among you, it is a good one. I want you to see me as a failure. As a waste. As Filth. And then I Want you to look at Christ. I know that it is hard to believe in all of this that Christ loved me enough to save me. He didn't suddenly decide to love me when I cleaned up. Or else He would obviously hate me. Rather, He knew about all this junk. He knew about all of my sins, and when I was His enemy He died for me. He saved me. He loved me. I want you to see His grace! I want you to see Him! I want to be disgusting to you, so that Christ will be shown so much more glorious to you all! Because in this, He becomes greater, and I become less. Look to Jesus. Not to me. Because I am worthy of wrath. He alone is good in me.

I honestly believe that God led me into that temptation in order that I may fall. So that I would realize my worthlessness, in order to lead me to be humble before my God, and not proud. God was very gracious to me, in that, this sin was all that He required I go through, in order to bring me low.

I apologize to you all, for how I have failed you as one trying to lead.


He MUST become greater, and I MUST become less.

I really can't stand

Going to "church'.
Go ahead, throw your stones if you will. But I'm just gonna be honest with you, as always.

I seriously walk into this building I attend, and each time, I feel empty. I am made extremely uncomfortable. Because it's so fake. Seriously, if my church is a perfect picture of Christianity, I want out.
It literally looks more like a Pagan religious ritual then it does brotherly fellowship that is described in the book of Acts. The Worship is a Doldrum, Missions are nearly absent. Discipleship is pretty much unheard of. And hardly anyone knows anything of what they believe. Some of them believe so basic, it's not even basic, it's John 3:16 without the rest of the chapter, much less the rest of the book.

I walk in, I see people who look more like the same pharisees that hated Jesus then the broken rejects that would cling to Him.
I walk in with shorts and a T, and people look at me like I'm insane... can I get really "Biblical" and wear a Fisherman's garb, girding up my loins? Or be a true Baptist, covered in the dirt of the deserts and clothes of camel hair?
If someone walked into my church, with tatts and piercings, I would bet money that they would feel judged, not loved.
Going to that brick building makes me sick.

We are so caught up in that building. It's more of a club membership then the Church. Ya know? Go there a coupla times a week, participate in the standard events, and then just hang with friends? You got those people near the fence whispering, and you can't help but look over your shoulder wondering what they are saying about you. It's twisted.
We call that building, "the church". We are so wrapped up in it.
Seriously look at your church, and honestly ask yourself, how hindered the worship and ministry would be if the building burned down. Messed up.

I walk in, and I feel empty. I look around baffled, asking "this is it? this is what people have died for? this is why people have been tortured, burned, and brutally, mercilessly murdered? this, is why my Jesus died? this, this can't be it.

Don't get me wrong, I have experienced true church before. Quite often actually. I have a friend in my youth group, and we get together frequently and discuss the Bible. It's amazing. I love it. We are cracking issues that have long baffled me. I am forever grateful for him. I praise God for the time we get together, it has helped me grow so much. In fact, our time studying has led to all this conviction about the church.

You see, the beautiful thing about Christianity is that it fits all cultures. You don't have to go to a culture and change it, because Christianity fits all of them perfectly. But in America, at least as far as I have seen it, our churches have our own culture, and anyone who walks in has to conform to it.
We have to "dress our best for God" rather than come as we are.
Don't get me wrong, if you feel convicted and it is a way that you worship, then so be it! But if I choose to walk in with jeans, a hoodie and a snapback, leave me be, cause I worship by coming as I am.

Our church needs so badly to get seeking the lost. Get into the broken communities. We have so many programs, but we never go and serve like Christ did, and like the Church is supposed to.
It's heartbreaking. It's sickening.

I want to ask you to join me. Join a movement with me, and many others. To break barriers in the culture. To change our churches. Start, by just being you when you worship! Whether you are dressy, or you are messy. Be you! Don't put a mask on, be who you are.
Then, find a way to hit the culture with the gospel, introducing the broken to good news, and not a new culture. Live for God. Don't live a Pagan ritual.

Hope you get something out of this. Thanks for reading.

John Mark,

When walking, Our Feet get dirty.

Something I have struggled with in my life is sin. (no duh).
But I mean sin a bit differently. I struggle with the sins I've already committed. The memory. The guilt. I know good and well that I am forgiven. But it goes beyond that. It goes to thinking about everything God has called us to be and the realization that I don't live up to that. This is my struggle.

Not many people know this, but several months ago I nearly walked away from Christianity because of this. Not that I didn't believe I was saved. I wholeheartedly believed that. It was that I refused to be fake in my life. I want to be real. Especially with God. And looking at my life, I wasn't. And that tore me apart.
So I sat in my room and I prayed, asking God to help me. Because I didn't want to just stop. I love Christianity. I love Christ.

After awhile I began to think about how I would live my life without Christ, because my whole life revolved around Him. And I decided that even if I did walk away I would still hold to my convictions. Because I still believed they were what's right.

And then it hit me. 1st John 2:5 it says, by this we know that we live Him, if we keep His commands. You see, in that moment God showed me that, all we need is the willingness to obey. And He will take it from there.

In the Gospel of John, chapter 13; Jesus goes to wash the Disciples feet. But Peter objects! He tells Christ not to. But when Jesus tells Him that in order to get into the Kingdom he must be cleansed. Peter then tells Jesus, to wash him entirely. But look at Jesus'; you are already cleansed, you need only to wash your feet.

What Jesus said can be taken two ways. That one, yes, we will mess up in this life, but that doesn't mean we are worthless to Christ. We just need to let Him wash our "feet" so to speak.
Second is that, as messengers in this world, our feet will get dirty if we are walking around as we should. But we still need to let Christ wash our feet.

Either way. We need to make sure that we spend time with Christ every day. He will clean our feet, and get us ready to go again. Don't give up. He's got your back.

Thanks for reading,

John Mark,

Ephesians 6:5-20;

Verse 5 is where I am going to focus today.

Bond servants, do everything as if for Christ.

How often do we call God "Lord"? The word actually means; Master. So we are slaves to Christ. Bond servants. So, in all our actions do them as if they are for Christ and we were commanded by Christ to do those things.  Not as men pleasers. But as slaves of Christ doing the will of God.

Christianity: Blissful Slavery.

Be strong in the Lord, and the Power of His Might. The Power of His Might... I can hope in that.

Put on the armor of God so as to defend yourself from the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against Spiritual darkness of this age.

Stand with truth, since the truth is what has set us free, we should live by it. Righteousness, Christ has made us righteous in His blood thus we should walk in righteousness. Prepare yourself in the Gospel--the Good news--of peace, though I fail so often, we should start each day in the Gospel, to prepare ourselves against the world. The Shield of Faith, our great defense: Faith. And the helmet of salvation, putting our thoughts on Salvation so that nothing wicked can enter our minds. And the sword of the Spirit, letting the Holy Spirit fight for us, for we cannot stand alone.

Praying always. Pray for me that I speak as I should.

Well, that's it. Ephesians is over. Wow... at times I thought it would never end! I hope you enjoyed it, I am sorry it took so long and that I missed some days here and there.

Thanks for reading!

John Mark,

What is Prayer?

Now, before you get offended at the video, read what this guy has to say in defense for people attacking him claiming that; "He is making fun of prayer."

"This is going to be a bit of a read, but religious or non-religious, I think we all can take something away from it.
Since I released Pre-Blessed Food there’s been a lot of debate about what I was implying through the video. Some people seem to think I was suggesting that prayer and faith in general are a waste of time. Others thought I was simply sharing my perspective on people who claim to have faith but don’t act like it. I even saw some taking the video way out of context and using it as ammo against other people and their beliefs. As someone rooted in their faith and someone who believes that thanking God for the food that you have is an act of gratitude and humility, it’s important to me that I set the record straight.
In response to an email from a concerned viewer this week, I wrote:
“Some of my videos have subtle messages and/or morals in them – though they may be discreet, they’re there. I enjoy leaving it up to the viewer to discover those for themselves. In that light, I hope you can understand that Pre-Blessed Food isn’t poking fun at prayer at all. Instead, it’s pointing out that thing in us that would like to trivialize it from time to time. I think we’ve all, at one point or another, rushed through a prayer when we’re short on time. In my mind, Pre-Blessed Food shows how ridiculous that is without sounding judgmental or preachy. If you’re going to admit prayer is important, make it important.”
If Pre-Blessed Food were a real product, the people who bought it would be admitting that prayer is important, but not important enough to actually do it themselves. And although this is an extreme example, we do this. We do it with our faith, we do it with our relationships, we do it with our own lives. We do this because it’s easier, it’s quicker, and because we’re often distracted by something else.
(UPDATE: A few of you have said that you noticed the video poking fun at the commercialization of religion and faith as well. That was intentional – I think it’s dumb how people today will put a label on anything and try to sell it. It makes me laugh.)
If this rings true with anyone else besides me, share your thoughts below. What are some important things that you’ve skipped out on recently instead of taking the time to appreciate them? Who? What? Why?
If you know of anyone who misunderstood the context of the video, I encourage you to share this with them. Thanks for hearing me out, guys."

Sadly, he is right. We not only commercialize these things, but we disregard what they are completely! What is prayer? Prayer is like a direct phone line, with no dead zones, AMAZING rates, and it specializes in physically long distance calls! Not to mention, it's all free! But it is more than that!
Prayer is a conversation with God! Or at least...that is what it is meant to be. Think about it, when was the last time you heard God speak? Who's fault is this? YOU! If you are talking to your best friend, do you seriously talk like this;

"Hey Ed, how is it going? Well, I have something heavy on my heart, you know what it is. So, take care of it will ya? Alright, bye."

No, of course you don't. In fact, overall, each conversation I have ever had, is in some way or another unique. But what about with God? We look at prayer like it is a tedious chore. No, it is a blessing! Prayer, and the Bible, are like two hands, they lock together perfectly.

No, do I believe that God can speak to you in more than one way? More than just the Bible? Absolutely, but the Bible is God's Word. (John 1:1) The Bible is your direct phone line to God.

But God is more than a friend, or should be. God wants to be close to you, that is why Jesus came.

Let's look at this in another light, the church is to be the Bride of Jesus. (I believe the wedding is described in the book of Revelations.) Tell me then, whenever you meet someone, (considering people my age, casual dating is the casual thing, so this is based mostly towards that age, but indeed can be adapted.) you want to spend every moment you possibly can speaking to them! And when you are on the phone or something, and they say goodbye, your heart seemingly sinks.

But what about God? Is it not more so with Him? He has the greatest love ever, imagine how He feels when you say bye, and don't even listen to Him.
And what about you? Do you truly love God? I am not trying to judge, but from a story writer's point of view, love is more than we make it to be.
For one, you cannot love someone you do not care about, and it is hard to care about someone you don't know.
Now you may say, "Dude, I know God."
But do you? Or do you know about Him? The only way to truly KNOW someone, is to spend time with them, that is when care for the other is brought into the scene, as is love later, sometimes.
Prayer is more than just a ritual, and the Bible is more than a book with wise words.

Prayer is God's prepaid for eternity phone line, only meant for YOU! So, why not call God tonight, and just cry out your concerns to Him. Just talk to Him.

The Bible, it is so amazing! It is no simple book, it is God's love letter to you! Imagine that, His love letter, to you.

So tonight, go somewhere alone, maybe outside surrounded by all of creation. Or in a corner in your room. And just let everything out! All your worries, you pain, your fears, your hopes, your dreams. Everything, He already knows, but He wants to hear it. He wants you to humble yourself--2 Chronicles 7:14--and let go of your pride, admit the things that haunt you most. Just pray to Him, and then just listen. Whether sitting in silence, or just going right ahead and reading His word. Just spend some time with Him, just as you long to speak to one that you may have feelings for, God does too. Except with God, times your desire to speak to that person by the highest number possible, and guess what! It doesn't make a dent on how God is.

Thanks for reading!

John Mark,

Romans 12:2

Romans 12:2 is a really cool verse. If you don't know it by heart this is what is says;
"And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

This has kind of been my war cry lately. You probably already know this, but we are in the midst of a war. A big war. It has been going on since the beginning of the world. For all I know, possibly longer. It is a Spiritual war. Humans were first introduced to this war with Adam and Eve. But we fight it now, the fight between good and evil. The fight of the demons and the Angels. Over the souls of men. It is such a war that if I got a 2 second glance at it I would probably run crying. This is the war we fight day to day.

But maybe you didn't know this, we are given weapons to fight back. We have two major weapons in this war. Bible and Prayer.

The Bible; In the verse that I titled this post, it says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Believe it or not renewing your mind is a tad simpler than I once thought. It is just reading your Bible. A quiet study of God's word where He speaks to you through the Bible. When you read the Bible with the intention of studying it you renew your mind. If you do a constant study every day maybe you feel a bit of a drudge to it. As is you are reading it but nothing speaks to you. Well, are you looking? When you read your Bible do you have a pen and notebook to write down things that interest you? That confuse you? Or maybe it makes you smile. Write it down, write down what God says to you. Use a notebook as a journal. Documenting your conversations with God. Just look for stuff. If you want a suggestion for a strong reading, study Romans or Acts. Both wonderful books! After that start reading all of Paul's letters. Equip your mind with the knowledge of our Lord. If you look back at when Jesus was tempted, how did He fight Satan? He just quoted scripture. So, pick up your sword and sharpen yourself!!

Prayer; If the Bible is your weapon than prayer is you armor. The things that protect you. Prayer has the power to do anything! As long as what you ask for is meant for the glory of God. But God looks at you and He sees your needs. And He wants so badly to provide for you, so ask. Even though He knows everything you say before you say it, tell Him anyway. For those of you who are married, tell me. If you spoke to your spouse as much as you speak to God, would you be married?


Just a few things to consider, if you have any questions let me know! I would love to try and answer them to the best of my ability. And if you have a topic you want me to speak about then let me know, I would love to try and do my best!

Thanks for reading!

John Mark,