A hard day reviewed.

Ah. What a day. Haha. That's all I can say to sum it up. Today has been a crazy day. Pretty insane. It started out with me waking from a dream where a friend of mine was crying because of something I had done/said. But I don't know what it was. I woke up before I was told. As the day continued, I was very frustrated by that dream. More of stressed. I felt like I had failed my friend, and that the dream was just me finally realizing it. So the first couple hours I felt like a failure, in general. And after awhile, very worthless; for several reasons. Part of that being that, I feel as if I have failed, offended, and stressed out my family, and two friends that I care deeply about. And I don't know why, but when I feel like I have failed people this bad, I feel like they want nothing to do with me. I feel like the best thing I could do for the people I have hurt is to cut them out of my life, simply cause I failed them. Not cause of anything they have done. Lately, I have felt like I am wasting my life. Because everything that is done on this earth that is not for the glory of God is a waste. And I don't feel like I am doing anything for Him like I want to and I need to. And somehow, this thought began rising in my mind, telling me that I the only way I would feel any level of worth, is if I were famous. Which really is insane cause fame has never been appealing to me. Ever. So. At this point, I feel totally worthless. I feel like my life is wasted. And that I *need* fame. Naturally I was frustrated. And then another thought came up. This one telling me that I would feel better if I went out and had sex; to put it simply. This thought/temptation is all to familiar with me. I get this everytime I am stressed out for an extended period of time. Lust hits me hard. Needless to say, I have felt very beat down today. Well, this week I have been reading a book that I have been wanting to read for some time; Desiring God by John Piper (every Christian needs to read this book). Let me just say, this is one of the most convicting books I have ever read. It has made me continuously question how much I really believe God. More thoughts enter my mind. Of how I don't. And to be perfectly honest with you. Today, I seriously considered walking away from Christianity. Just giving up. You probably think I'm insane. Well. Yeah. But here's the deal, I don't know how to do 50% in my life. If I am passionate about something, I'm all in. And so today, just this continuous attack telling me that I am not truly satisfied in God, tore me apart. The thought that the one thing I put my all into, I don't really find satisfying? Man, it killed me. You see, this is my life. Everything I want to do in life, everything I believe, every dream, everything is shaped by this belief. But am I in this just for me? Am I in it for the benefits? In it for the gifts and not the Giver of all good things? So what did I do? Well. I kept reading that convicting book. And it continued to tear me at the seams. There were times that I would just sit and listen to music. (Check Trip Lee's Fallin' & Lecrae's Prayin' For You). And some moments that I would just pray. And after awhile. I just started prayin against Satan. Asking God to fight for me. You see too often we read stories like David and Goliath and we say "have faith and you will kill the giant!" But Jesus is saying "be the scared Israelite warriors! It's okay to be afraid, he's bigger then you and he would kill you. Make me your David, and I'll kill the giant for you." Immediately after realizing that I need to let God battle. I ran to my refuge. My only refuge. The promises of my Holy Daddy. And I knew exactly where to turn. Psalm 18. When I cry for help. God comes in fury. He wipes my enemies away. They don't stand a chance. He does this. Because He delights in me. Even Though I feel like it all the time, I'm not worthless. I am a child of God. And with Him by my side, none can stop me. With Him, these desires for fame and sex fade. When I'm with Him. I'm more than just safe. I'm powerful. I am His treasure. And He is mine. I can only move forward from here. Confident in God. I can only pray that I have not destroyed relationships that I treasure deeply. But what happens God will use for His glory. I can only make effort to repair. And pray. If I can. Let me quote Paul to you as a request from me. Pray for me. That I will abe bold for the gospel as I ought. Pray for me that I will have strength to fight these thoughts. Pray for me. And hey, if you need prayer, let me know, I got your back. Thanks for reading, John Mark,