Friday, May 18, 2012
A hard day reviewed.
Ah. What a day. Haha. That's all I can say to sum it up. Today has been a crazy day. Pretty insane.
It started out with me waking from a dream where a friend of mine was crying because of something I had done/said. But I don't know what it was. I woke up before I was told.
As the day continued, I was very frustrated by that dream. More of stressed. I felt like I had failed my friend, and that the dream was just me finally realizing it.
So the first couple hours I felt like a failure, in general. And after awhile, very worthless; for several reasons.
Part of that being that, I feel as if I have failed, offended, and stressed out my family, and two friends that I care deeply about.
And I don't know why, but when I feel like I have failed people this bad, I feel like they want nothing to do with me. I feel like the best thing I could do for the people I have hurt is to cut them out of my life, simply cause I failed them. Not cause of anything they have done.
Lately, I have felt like I am wasting my life. Because everything that is done on this earth that is not for the glory of God is a waste. And I don't feel like I am doing anything for Him like I want to and I need to.
And somehow, this thought began rising in my mind, telling me that I the only way I would feel any level of worth, is if I were famous. Which really is insane cause fame has never been appealing to me. Ever.
So. At this point, I feel totally worthless. I feel like my life is wasted. And that I *need* fame.
Naturally I was frustrated. And then another thought came up. This one telling me that I would feel better if I went out and had sex; to put it simply.
This thought/temptation is all to familiar with me. I get this everytime I am stressed out for an extended period of time. Lust hits me hard.
Needless to say, I have felt very beat down today.
Well, this week I have been reading a book that I have been wanting to read for some time; Desiring God by John Piper (every Christian needs to read this book). Let me just say, this is one of the most convicting books I have ever read. It has made me continuously question how much I really believe God.
More thoughts enter my mind. Of how I don't. And to be perfectly honest with you. Today, I seriously considered walking away from Christianity. Just giving up.
You probably think I'm insane. Well. Yeah. But here's the deal, I don't know how to do 50% in my life. If I am passionate about something, I'm all in. And so today, just this continuous attack telling me that I am not truly satisfied in God, tore me apart. The thought that the one thing I put my all into, I don't really find satisfying? Man, it killed me. You see, this is my life. Everything I want to do in life, everything I believe, every dream, everything is shaped by this belief. But am I in this just for me? Am I in it for the benefits? In it for the gifts and not the Giver of all good things?
So what did I do? Well. I kept reading that convicting book. And it continued to tear me at the seams. There were times that I would just sit and listen to music. (Check Trip Lee's Fallin' & Lecrae's Prayin' For You). And some moments that I would just pray.
And after awhile. I just started prayin against Satan. Asking God to fight for me. You see too often we read stories like David and Goliath and we say "have faith and you will kill the giant!"
But Jesus is saying "be the scared Israelite warriors! It's okay to be afraid, he's bigger then you and he would kill you. Make me your David, and I'll kill the giant for you."
Immediately after realizing that I need to let God battle. I ran to my refuge. My only refuge. The promises of my Holy Daddy. And I knew exactly where to turn. Psalm 18. When I cry for help. God comes in fury. He wipes my enemies away. They don't stand a chance. He does this. Because He delights in me. Even Though I feel like it all the time, I'm not worthless. I am a child of God. And with Him by my side, none can stop me. With Him, these desires for fame and sex fade. When I'm with Him. I'm more than just safe. I'm powerful. I am His treasure. And He is mine.
I can only move forward from here. Confident in God. I can only pray that I have not destroyed relationships that I treasure deeply. But what happens God will use for His glory. I can only make effort to repair. And pray.
If I can. Let me quote Paul to you as a request from me. Pray for me. That I will abe bold for the gospel as I ought. Pray for me that I will have strength to fight these thoughts. Pray for me.
And hey, if you need prayer, let me know, I got your back.
Thanks for reading,
John Mark,
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I really can't stand
Going to "church'.
Go ahead, throw your stones if you will. But I'm just gonna be honest with you, as always.
I seriously walk into this building I attend, and each time, I feel empty. I am made extremely uncomfortable. Because it's so fake. Seriously, if my church is a perfect picture of Christianity, I want out.
It literally looks more like a Pagan religious ritual then it does brotherly fellowship that is described in the book of Acts. The Worship is a Doldrum, Missions are nearly absent. Discipleship is pretty much unheard of. And hardly anyone knows anything of what they believe. Some of them believe so basic, it's not even basic, it's John 3:16 without the rest of the chapter, much less the rest of the book.
I walk in, I see people who look more like the same pharisees that hated Jesus then the broken rejects that would cling to Him.
I walk in with shorts and a T, and people look at me like I'm insane... can I get really "Biblical" and wear a Fisherman's garb, girding up my loins? Or be a true Baptist, covered in the dirt of the deserts and clothes of camel hair?
If someone walked into my church, with tatts and piercings, I would bet money that they would feel judged, not loved.
Going to that brick building makes me sick.
We are so caught up in that building. It's more of a club membership then the Church. Ya know? Go there a coupla times a week, participate in the standard events, and then just hang with friends? You got those people near the fence whispering, and you can't help but look over your shoulder wondering what they are saying about you. It's twisted.
We call that building, "the church". We are so wrapped up in it.
Seriously look at your church, and honestly ask yourself, how hindered the worship and ministry would be if the building burned down. Messed up.
I walk in, and I feel empty. I look around baffled, asking "this is it? this is what people have died for? this is why people have been tortured, burned, and brutally, mercilessly murdered? this, is why my Jesus died? this, this can't be it.
Don't get me wrong, I have experienced true church before. Quite often actually. I have a friend in my youth group, and we get together frequently and discuss the Bible. It's amazing. I love it. We are cracking issues that have long baffled me. I am forever grateful for him. I praise God for the time we get together, it has helped me grow so much. In fact, our time studying has led to all this conviction about the church.
You see, the beautiful thing about Christianity is that it fits all cultures. You don't have to go to a culture and change it, because Christianity fits all of them perfectly. But in America, at least as far as I have seen it, our churches have our own culture, and anyone who walks in has to conform to it.
We have to "dress our best for God" rather than come as we are.
Don't get me wrong, if you feel convicted and it is a way that you worship, then so be it! But if I choose to walk in with jeans, a hoodie and a snapback, leave me be, cause I worship by coming as I am.
Our church needs so badly to get seeking the lost. Get into the broken communities. We have so many programs, but we never go and serve like Christ did, and like the Church is supposed to.
It's heartbreaking. It's sickening.
I want to ask you to join me. Join a movement with me, and many others. To break barriers in the culture. To change our churches. Start, by just being you when you worship! Whether you are dressy, or you are messy. Be you! Don't put a mask on, be who you are.
Then, find a way to hit the culture with the gospel, introducing the broken to good news, and not a new culture. Live for God. Don't live a Pagan ritual.
Hope you get something out of this. Thanks for reading.
John Mark,
Go ahead, throw your stones if you will. But I'm just gonna be honest with you, as always.
I seriously walk into this building I attend, and each time, I feel empty. I am made extremely uncomfortable. Because it's so fake. Seriously, if my church is a perfect picture of Christianity, I want out.
It literally looks more like a Pagan religious ritual then it does brotherly fellowship that is described in the book of Acts. The Worship is a Doldrum, Missions are nearly absent. Discipleship is pretty much unheard of. And hardly anyone knows anything of what they believe. Some of them believe so basic, it's not even basic, it's John 3:16 without the rest of the chapter, much less the rest of the book.
I walk in, I see people who look more like the same pharisees that hated Jesus then the broken rejects that would cling to Him.
I walk in with shorts and a T, and people look at me like I'm insane... can I get really "Biblical" and wear a Fisherman's garb, girding up my loins? Or be a true Baptist, covered in the dirt of the deserts and clothes of camel hair?
If someone walked into my church, with tatts and piercings, I would bet money that they would feel judged, not loved.
Going to that brick building makes me sick.
We are so caught up in that building. It's more of a club membership then the Church. Ya know? Go there a coupla times a week, participate in the standard events, and then just hang with friends? You got those people near the fence whispering, and you can't help but look over your shoulder wondering what they are saying about you. It's twisted.
We call that building, "the church". We are so wrapped up in it.
Seriously look at your church, and honestly ask yourself, how hindered the worship and ministry would be if the building burned down. Messed up.
I walk in, and I feel empty. I look around baffled, asking "this is it? this is what people have died for? this is why people have been tortured, burned, and brutally, mercilessly murdered? this, is why my Jesus died? this, this can't be it.
Don't get me wrong, I have experienced true church before. Quite often actually. I have a friend in my youth group, and we get together frequently and discuss the Bible. It's amazing. I love it. We are cracking issues that have long baffled me. I am forever grateful for him. I praise God for the time we get together, it has helped me grow so much. In fact, our time studying has led to all this conviction about the church.
You see, the beautiful thing about Christianity is that it fits all cultures. You don't have to go to a culture and change it, because Christianity fits all of them perfectly. But in America, at least as far as I have seen it, our churches have our own culture, and anyone who walks in has to conform to it.
We have to "dress our best for God" rather than come as we are.
Don't get me wrong, if you feel convicted and it is a way that you worship, then so be it! But if I choose to walk in with jeans, a hoodie and a snapback, leave me be, cause I worship by coming as I am.
Our church needs so badly to get seeking the lost. Get into the broken communities. We have so many programs, but we never go and serve like Christ did, and like the Church is supposed to.
It's heartbreaking. It's sickening.
I want to ask you to join me. Join a movement with me, and many others. To break barriers in the culture. To change our churches. Start, by just being you when you worship! Whether you are dressy, or you are messy. Be you! Don't put a mask on, be who you are.
Then, find a way to hit the culture with the gospel, introducing the broken to good news, and not a new culture. Live for God. Don't live a Pagan ritual.
Hope you get something out of this. Thanks for reading.
John Mark,
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Crazy Love:
Crazy Love. This Love is insane. Just straight insane.
Have you ever cared the world about someone? No matter what they did, to you, or at all, you still held on? You still looked to the good in them? Never changed your opinion of them, still respected, admired, and adored that person? Yeah? Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you? Yeah? Hm.
God probably knows what that's like. I mean, He loves, and cares for us insanely more than any of us could ever hope to love. The crazy thing about it is that, He knew before hand that we would be difficult to deal with. Yet the guy still holds on. Wow.
God never gave up on me.
For a long time I have pondered the question, what is Love? Love is incredibly abused in our culture. It is overused and has lost any significant meaning for the most part. I believe, Biblically, I have figured out the answer.
1st Corinthians goes through the attributes of Love. They are the results. That when you love someone, that is how you will treat them. Sure, we are human, we will fail, but we will fight for those attributes.
But Love, what does it mean to Love someone? Love is a choice to act. You choose to Love someone. And then you allow that choice to consume your actions towards them. And this is where these attributes play out.
Love doesn't give up. Ever. Just as God never left us even when we hated Him, so Love doesn't give up. Love never fails.
True love, is love with the person, not a body. Falling in love with who they are, not what they can give you. Falling in love with them, not what comes with them. If you can't love them when they aren't dying or disabled some how, then you don't really love them. One day, I want to be so crazy in love with someone, as I am being led by Christ, that even if she had cancer, I still would want to marry her. I want to love with a love that never gives up. Always holds on. Always fights. Always loves.
Check this video:
http://vimeo.com/38033654
I want to love like that. Like Christ did. That even though the person may be broken, you still hold on.
It's so simple, that it will make most men choke. Crazy though. I hope to love like Christ.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!
John Mark,
Have you ever cared the world about someone? No matter what they did, to you, or at all, you still held on? You still looked to the good in them? Never changed your opinion of them, still respected, admired, and adored that person? Yeah? Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you? Yeah? Hm.
God probably knows what that's like. I mean, He loves, and cares for us insanely more than any of us could ever hope to love. The crazy thing about it is that, He knew before hand that we would be difficult to deal with. Yet the guy still holds on. Wow.
God never gave up on me.
For a long time I have pondered the question, what is Love? Love is incredibly abused in our culture. It is overused and has lost any significant meaning for the most part. I believe, Biblically, I have figured out the answer.
1st Corinthians goes through the attributes of Love. They are the results. That when you love someone, that is how you will treat them. Sure, we are human, we will fail, but we will fight for those attributes.
But Love, what does it mean to Love someone? Love is a choice to act. You choose to Love someone. And then you allow that choice to consume your actions towards them. And this is where these attributes play out.
Love doesn't give up. Ever. Just as God never left us even when we hated Him, so Love doesn't give up. Love never fails.
True love, is love with the person, not a body. Falling in love with who they are, not what they can give you. Falling in love with them, not what comes with them. If you can't love them when they aren't dying or disabled some how, then you don't really love them. One day, I want to be so crazy in love with someone, as I am being led by Christ, that even if she had cancer, I still would want to marry her. I want to love with a love that never gives up. Always holds on. Always fights. Always loves.
Check this video:
http://vimeo.com/38033654
I want to love like that. Like Christ did. That even though the person may be broken, you still hold on.
It's so simple, that it will make most men choke. Crazy though. I hope to love like Christ.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!
John Mark,
If I were perfectly honest:
Porn is attractive. If I were to be perfectly open and honest with you. Satan is no fool, he's not going to make something so incredibly destructive that isn't really, really good looking. There are a couple things I am going to go into on this subject, and I hope you take something from it.
Porn isn't limited to just looking up undressed women online, it's more. Porn can be the images of nearly undressed women on a magazine, a scene in a movie or TV show, a sexually explicit song, or joke. Anything and everything that causes a man's thoughts to become wrapped up with sex. What ever causes a man to fantasize that idea, is porn. It's destructive. It's deadly. And it's attractive. Porn is most accurately described as anything that causes a man to lust. And Christ said that lusting after a girl is the same as having sex with her, so in reality, lust is rape. Yeah, it's extremely sick. That being said, I struggle with porn. I struggle walking in a store, to keep my eyes off of a magazine. To stay away from media that preaches these things to me. I struggle, like crazy. And it kills me. I hate it.
Porn, lust, is deadly. The Proverbs talks about adultery leading to death, all the time. From both, my experience, and study of this, I have noticed several affects of these two.
Anger. It makes a man so hateful, so angry. They will lash out due to the smallest thing. In rage, without mercy, and it's crazy. In this relationships are destroyed. Trust is lost. People are hurt, afraid, and want nothing to do with the person.
It degrades a man's view of women. They no longer are a treasure, they are an object, a possession to be used for pleasure. They are tools for a man's lust. The sacredness that men should view women in is destroyed. For someone addicted (not necessarily a simple struggle, but a straight up addiction) all they think about is sex when they see a girl. Sex controls their thoughts. Thoughts become words, and thus comes sexual jokes.
Porn/Lust goes so much deeper than all this, in ways that I praise God I don't know, and that I pray I never do. It kills in a marriage.
I say all of this for a couple reasons.
1: I am tired of being a goody-two-shoes. I mean, no, I'm not going to just sin all I want. What I mean is, I am tired of looking so good on the outside when I struggle. I want to be open, I want to be transparent. Why? Honesty heals. I want people to see my struggles and realize that I do not at all, have everything under control. I want to teach them what I am learning as I fight through these struggles. I want them to realize that I will not judge them for their faults, because I have my own.
2: I want to show guys, young or old, why they need to destroy this sin that they struggle with. I want them to realize how dangerous it is. Because with each glance, every fantasy, they are discriminating women, and destroying the value that they will hold for their wife. She will become just another object of lust, and not a treasure. Trust will break, and the marriage will fail. The husband will most likely become very angry and abusive. Why? The girl was nothing but a tool for the guy's lust. Lust, porn, it's so deadly.
3: I want to in a way, show why I don't do stuff that other people do. The reason why I don't listen to certain music, and watch certain things. It's not because I am some great Christian, it's actually the exact opposite. It is because I am weak that I refuse to watch and listen to these things. Because they make me fall in my Lust. I don't do these things in order to protect my mind. It's a defense. Because I don't want to pursue a girl and have all of my thoughts focusing on her body rather than her heart. I want to treasure her, not use her. I want to desire only my wife, and not other women. I don't want my desire of my wife to be just a simple replacement of a desire of other women. I want to keep my mind, and motives pure, before and during marriage. And habits don't just die when you get married. What you struggle with before marriage, will catch you after. So I am fighting to kill these things now.
4: I want to try and help other guys defeat this sin, by showing how I have had success in this. No, I'm not perfect, and in my own strength, I am helpless. But I have Christ, and He helps me here.
You have to be intentional when fighting sin. You can't just think you're gonna pray and stop. You gotta fight. This is a fierce battle that we fight. Don't think you will win this battle without fighting. That being said, guard yourself. If there is anything that you participate with that causes you to fall, lust, and dwell on thoughts of sex, then get rid of it. If it tempts you to look up inappropriate images, then kill it, get rid of it.
Pray, but don't just pray. Spend some real time with God. In this battle, the Bible is our Sword, and the Spirit is our Champion Who is ready and willing to fight in our stead. Master your weapon. Like a trained soldier knows his weapon, so we should know how to use our sword. And know when to give it to God.
Rebuke Satan. Literally command him in the name, and by the Power of Jesus Christ--Who has set us free--to flee from you.
I hope this helps those who are struggling. Remember. God is forgiving, but don't take advantage of His Grace. Accept it. But don't abuse it.
Thanks for reading,
John Mark,
Porn isn't limited to just looking up undressed women online, it's more. Porn can be the images of nearly undressed women on a magazine, a scene in a movie or TV show, a sexually explicit song, or joke. Anything and everything that causes a man's thoughts to become wrapped up with sex. What ever causes a man to fantasize that idea, is porn. It's destructive. It's deadly. And it's attractive. Porn is most accurately described as anything that causes a man to lust. And Christ said that lusting after a girl is the same as having sex with her, so in reality, lust is rape. Yeah, it's extremely sick. That being said, I struggle with porn. I struggle walking in a store, to keep my eyes off of a magazine. To stay away from media that preaches these things to me. I struggle, like crazy. And it kills me. I hate it.
Porn, lust, is deadly. The Proverbs talks about adultery leading to death, all the time. From both, my experience, and study of this, I have noticed several affects of these two.
Anger. It makes a man so hateful, so angry. They will lash out due to the smallest thing. In rage, without mercy, and it's crazy. In this relationships are destroyed. Trust is lost. People are hurt, afraid, and want nothing to do with the person.
It degrades a man's view of women. They no longer are a treasure, they are an object, a possession to be used for pleasure. They are tools for a man's lust. The sacredness that men should view women in is destroyed. For someone addicted (not necessarily a simple struggle, but a straight up addiction) all they think about is sex when they see a girl. Sex controls their thoughts. Thoughts become words, and thus comes sexual jokes.
Porn/Lust goes so much deeper than all this, in ways that I praise God I don't know, and that I pray I never do. It kills in a marriage.
I say all of this for a couple reasons.
1: I am tired of being a goody-two-shoes. I mean, no, I'm not going to just sin all I want. What I mean is, I am tired of looking so good on the outside when I struggle. I want to be open, I want to be transparent. Why? Honesty heals. I want people to see my struggles and realize that I do not at all, have everything under control. I want to teach them what I am learning as I fight through these struggles. I want them to realize that I will not judge them for their faults, because I have my own.
2: I want to show guys, young or old, why they need to destroy this sin that they struggle with. I want them to realize how dangerous it is. Because with each glance, every fantasy, they are discriminating women, and destroying the value that they will hold for their wife. She will become just another object of lust, and not a treasure. Trust will break, and the marriage will fail. The husband will most likely become very angry and abusive. Why? The girl was nothing but a tool for the guy's lust. Lust, porn, it's so deadly.
3: I want to in a way, show why I don't do stuff that other people do. The reason why I don't listen to certain music, and watch certain things. It's not because I am some great Christian, it's actually the exact opposite. It is because I am weak that I refuse to watch and listen to these things. Because they make me fall in my Lust. I don't do these things in order to protect my mind. It's a defense. Because I don't want to pursue a girl and have all of my thoughts focusing on her body rather than her heart. I want to treasure her, not use her. I want to desire only my wife, and not other women. I don't want my desire of my wife to be just a simple replacement of a desire of other women. I want to keep my mind, and motives pure, before and during marriage. And habits don't just die when you get married. What you struggle with before marriage, will catch you after. So I am fighting to kill these things now.
4: I want to try and help other guys defeat this sin, by showing how I have had success in this. No, I'm not perfect, and in my own strength, I am helpless. But I have Christ, and He helps me here.
You have to be intentional when fighting sin. You can't just think you're gonna pray and stop. You gotta fight. This is a fierce battle that we fight. Don't think you will win this battle without fighting. That being said, guard yourself. If there is anything that you participate with that causes you to fall, lust, and dwell on thoughts of sex, then get rid of it. If it tempts you to look up inappropriate images, then kill it, get rid of it.
Pray, but don't just pray. Spend some real time with God. In this battle, the Bible is our Sword, and the Spirit is our Champion Who is ready and willing to fight in our stead. Master your weapon. Like a trained soldier knows his weapon, so we should know how to use our sword. And know when to give it to God.
Rebuke Satan. Literally command him in the name, and by the Power of Jesus Christ--Who has set us free--to flee from you.
I hope this helps those who are struggling. Remember. God is forgiving, but don't take advantage of His Grace. Accept it. But don't abuse it.
Thanks for reading,
John Mark,
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