Dry Season:

I'll be honest. I don't really always like life. I have some days that I am just sick of it all. Although, it usually lasts longer than a day... more like weeks at a time. And, this is one of those times. Why do I hate these times? Cause I feel dry. Distant from God. Like the bridge between us is broken. Or as if He just gave up on me.

I hate this. I feel numb. I don't feel sad. I'm not depressed. But I don't feel happy. I long for that time when I feel God's presence again. When I read my Bible, and new things are jumping out at me on every page. But now, I don't feel that, at all.
I do my best to get into my Bible every day, not because it is some routine, but because I am hoping that, one day I will open it and be back at that place where I am reading and it is jumping out to me like it did before. I want that so bad. I thrive on that. I love and live for the presence of God. And right now. I don't feel it.

Who knows. Maybe it makes me a terrible Christian. Feeling entirely uninspired to do, or write anything Biblical. I love learning from that beautiful book. I love teaching about that beautiful book.

I really can not wait, until the day when Christ returns in a glorious show unlike my puny mind could imagine. When pain is no more and only comfort remains as we stand beholding His beauty and glowing in light of Him. Being entirely sustained by His self-sustaining power. Every pain, every tear, all will fall away. And all the good things that we enjoy will be brought back to their original perfect form before they were broken by depravity. And we shall be happy, and joyful, forever. I would rather be there then here.

But while I'm not. I will continue, even though I hate the lack of progress. I will continue on. I will keep seeking after God. Because tasting that sweet intimacy with Christ, is worth the dragging on life that I feel without it. God is faithful. He won't leave me like this forever. I know my Savior, and He will return. I eagerly await that day.

Confession: The Path to Healing.

So, it has been a day since I posted "From the hands of a failure." And I feel as though I need to write a follow up. I want to give you all some clairty in the why of my posting such a raw post. It all falls back on my heavy conviction of confession.

I gave you all the gruesome details of my struggle, and my fall, and I kinda left it at that. I am a strong believer in healing--healing that stems from grace alone. But I also believer that in order for healing there is a process that we have to take on. And that process is both confession, and repentence. And I don't believe you can repent without confessing. So let me try to explain my stance of confession.

I believe that confession--true confession--requires no pride. In fact it plays a great deal in destroying pride.
There are two types of confession. One is prideful, and one is not.
A prideful confession is one that seeks out pity. You confess so that people will feel bad for you.
The other kind, is for healing. Where you come humbly, realizing the filth of your actions.

Let's get into this. Whenever I fall--I sin--one of the passages that I first go to is Psalm 51. And if you are struggling with sin, I strongly suggest that you study this chapter. It was written by King David after he committed adultery with Bathsheeba, and killed her husband Uraiah. Wow. Haha, David messed up.
Well, writing was an outlet for David. He released pain, joy, heartache, guilt, anger, everything, through hebrew poetry and songs, many of which are recorded in what we call The Psalms.
And in this Psalm he writes down what he is going through, after this sin of his. And honestly, it describes exactly how I feel when I have fallen into sexual sin.
Since I am covering confession, I will try to stay on Psalm 51 very briefly, cause I have a lot to cover concerning this. My focal point in that Psalm is verse 17:

"The sacrifices of God area broken spirit,
A broken heart,
O God, you will not despise."

This is the heart of true confession. And where we need to start in our confessions. In confession, we first need to realize our filth, what we have done. We need to let conviction--the healthy form of guilt--sink in. We need to be heartbroken over our sins. We need to feel broken over our crime against God. Pride has no place before God. And I fear for the man who thinks so much of himself as to stand pridefully before God.

Why should we confess? Several reasons. The primary purpose of confession is healing. Jeremiah 3 records God talking to Israel about there sins, and concerning them He says in verses 12-13:

“‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will frown on you no longer,
    for I am faithful,’ declares the Lord,
    ‘I will not be angry forever.
    Only acknowledge your guilt—
    you have rebelled against the Lord your God,
    you have scattered your favors to foreign gods
    under every spreading tree,
    and have not obeyed me,’”
    declares the Lord.

All that God requires of us is that we realize and admitt our wrong, and He will forgive us. And as time goes on, He will heal us. This is what God requires. Why? Because God gives grace to the humble, but He brings low those who are prideful. (James 4:6, and all throughout the proverbs). He requires no act on our parts, but merely us to humble ourselves, and turn to Him. This is the beauty of God and His grace. 2 Chronicles 7:14 would back me up on this too.
God is full of grace, but first requires humility.

True confession has no pride. Because it is confession that seeks out nothing for itself except healing. It is humble enought to admit that it is wrong, that it needs help.

Confession is a sign of conviction. John 3:


19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

Confession is coming to the light. If you refuse to come into the light, it is because you hate the light, because the light will expose you. But the exposure of our sins shouldn't be an issue. It clearly states in the last verse that God sees our sins plainly, even though they are done in the dark. So, therefore, confession is a sign of conviction, coming into the light, confessiong to God and man what God already knows.

For me personally, I would much rather come out and expose my own sins then to have God expose me before all men (Matthew 10:26). Or far worse, that I would have to take on the punishment for my deeds that I kept hidden (Hebrews 10:31).

And then there is confession before men. I normally refer back to James 5:14-16 when on this subject, where it specifically says to confess in order to be healed. And that you will be healed.

Now am I saying that in order for healing that you must write a blog and post it on the interwebs for all to see? No. I wish I hadn't. I did so only under conviction. And in doing so, Christ is using that to humble me. That my filth is known.

Let me give you what I did personally. During the entire time that I was in this sin, I was constantly praying for help. I hated my sin. I still hate it. The weekend came around, and I started to struggle, slightly less. But still struggling a lot. I constantly came before God acknowledging my guilt and my crimes. And I believe, according to what the Bible says, that forgiveness was given, and healing began. But in order for healing to be complete, the process must continue. So, Sunday night, I grabbed two of the guys from my youth group, two that I trust immensely and that have helped me grow in my faith tremendously. And I told them everything. I asked them to pray for me (which they did immediately, I praise God for them), and I asked them to hold me accountable. And I had them take measures to keep me from falling.

And then I wrote the blog. I wrote it as a personal note. I get that confession is hard. Especially after you confess once, and then you sin right after, so you have to confess again. It's embarressing, it's humiliating. I know. But it is worth it, if we come to a place of healing. This is the way God has given for us to be healed. One that requires humility.

So, if you are struggling with sin, I beg of you, humble yourself before God. Confess to Him the deeds that He already knows. And also confess to Christians around you who keep you strong. God is a Lover, and a Healer. He is faithful. Seek Him.

He is greater than i

From the hand of a failure:

I don't really know how to start this. But I guess the only fair way to start this is with a warning.

For any and all who know me, you know that writing is my outlet. I get stuff out by writing it. I am extremely expressive. I have always been in love with words. So I bleed on to paper. Pen and paper knows more about me than any one or anything; save Christ. When I am angry, depressed, sad, happy, or whatever, I can only accurately express it through words. And so here I am, once again cutting a vein, and bleeding out what's in. As I proceed, I don't believe, or intend this, to in any way, be something that that will boost my reputation. On the contrary, I intend this entirely to destroy me. To destroy my reputation, every rumor or thought, that John Mark Allen is a great man. Or that he is any good representation of Christ or Christianity.

Over the past week or two. I have been in a dry spot in life. I felt extremely distant from God. I couldn't feel Him, my prayers hit the ceiling and then fell back, and my Bible felt empty and lifeless. And this, for me, was terribly frustrating.
In this time, I began to fall. You see, whenever I begin to feel depressed, the biggest struggle I have is with lust. So first my thoughts fell. And this eventually led to porn.
Oh if mere words could express how much I abhor my existance. This, would indeed deem me a hypocrite due to all that I have taught. To all that I have told and taught that lust is equivalent to rape, to all the times I have claimed to respect and treasure women. All the times I have claimed that they are worth more than a tool for man's lust (which indeed they are, my actions do not take away from their worth, merely my view of it). I hate it. I hate not just my actions, but my being. I, of all people, knew better.
Then, to my humiliation, I recall back several months ago, where in words of anger I expressed with my brother, that I would not fall in that temptation. Ha.

Anger. I claim it to be my enemy but I call on him frequently as if he were a friend.
Recently, I have been entirely too quick to get angry and to snap off at my family. I became easily frustrated, annoyed and irritable to any and all around me. This had been going on for several weeks.

I honestly believe that anger, and lust even, are rooted by pride. Pride that says, I am good enough, I have the right, to be angry. I have the right to be angry because they had the audacity to oppose me. I have the right because I am me. Anger is selfcentered about what I want. It is rooted by pride.
Lust is as well. In that the entire time that I was falling into the hands of that temptation, I never stopped it in order to consider how degrading it was to women in general. My thoughts fell soley onto me. Getting momentary pleasure for me. Not considering that this would affect the way I view all women, and how it could affect the way I treat them. No, it all revolved around me.

Pride. I am an extremely prideful and self absorbed individual. If the above does not convince you, let me continue.
I love looking at myself. Seriously. My family can attest to the fact, that even if I was blind, I could locate a mirror in order to admire myself.
I love attention. Goodness, I know how to draw attention to myself. And I do it at times. I have even used my beliefs at times, in subtle ways, to get attention to myself. To impress people.
The Bible would describe this as robbing God of His glory.
Glorifying myself. Seeking praise for myself. Seeking to have my name known. Seeking fame for myself.

Oh goodness. I am a mess. I don't know what else to write, in this confession. I have written all that I can rememeber.
Please do not read this and assume that I am trying, in any way, to build myself up (though honestly, if you think that, I have no idea how or why). There is no pride in what I have done. Nothing noble or praiseworthy. It is all filthy and disgusting. And I thoroughly hate it. And would much rather not to have written this. But I am bound by conviction, as will be explained.

My entire point in writing this out, was not to glorify myself as a great Christian, because I have the guts to confess this on the internet. I don't want any of you to know any of this about me. I would rather you think that I have never fallen to these sins. I would rather be esteemed well.

My point was to have each and all who read this, to be thoroughly disgusted with me. To be appalled that John Mark would sin like this. Because I know my reputation among you, it is a good one. I want you to see me as a failure. As a waste. As Filth. And then I Want you to look at Christ. I know that it is hard to believe in all of this that Christ loved me enough to save me. He didn't suddenly decide to love me when I cleaned up. Or else He would obviously hate me. Rather, He knew about all this junk. He knew about all of my sins, and when I was His enemy He died for me. He saved me. He loved me. I want you to see His grace! I want you to see Him! I want to be disgusting to you, so that Christ will be shown so much more glorious to you all! Because in this, He becomes greater, and I become less. Look to Jesus. Not to me. Because I am worthy of wrath. He alone is good in me.

I honestly believe that God led me into that temptation in order that I may fall. So that I would realize my worthlessness, in order to lead me to be humble before my God, and not proud. God was very gracious to me, in that, this sin was all that He required I go through, in order to bring me low.

I apologize to you all, for how I have failed you as one trying to lead.


He MUST become greater, and I MUST become less.

Running unprepared.

I remember it well. I was running a 5k. I hadn't ran in a while, but my sis signed me up to run it with her, and I'm all about that. So I'm out there, not in near as good of shape as I thought I was. I had gone to that race thinking I was gonna kill it. I had a lot of confidence in my running, like please, 3 miles? Psh, I eat that for breakfast.

Then after about a mile, I'm chokin. My lack of training had got to me. I was walking just a little bit. And then a little bit more. And overall just a bit more than I like to. But, this little competitive kid kept pushing.

After awhile. The finish line came into view. I felt very happy. I looked at the timing clock. No personal record. But I could live with it. But hey, why not get the best I can with these last 30 yards? It's time to sprint. Well, really it was a swift hobble. Haha.

After I cross. I feel sick. Really sick. Not the normal sick I feel when I finish a race. So I desperately am trying to get to some water. Then this girl is all like, I need that paper off your tag for timing records. And I'm like, well I need water. (This conversation didn't actually happen. I consisted of my thoughts.) I gave her the paper and got a sip of water. But it was too late. I walked a little bit away and hurled a lil bit. First time I've ever done that after a race. It was interesting that's for sure.

After the race concluded and we all went to lunch. I informed my sister about it. And she felt terrible. But I was like, nah, it's cool.

I know you're probably wondering where I'm headed with this. Haha, if you're still reading, bear with me.

There's a couple lessons to be learned here. If you don't train you won't succeed. You can be as confident as you want based on your past, but if you're not preparing for what's ahead, you won't finish efficiently.

Sometimes, God pushes us so hard that it makes us puke. You get worn out, and to top it off you hurl. Lovely. Haha. But the fact is, that losing what you wanted to keep in helps you out and makes you feel better. Sometimes you need to lose something.

The past week or two have been full of discouragements for me. In several different ways. God is pushing me, and I'm not as prepped as I wanna be. And I may lose something I wanna keep in. But ultimately, it will all be the best.

To God be the glory forever and ever.

Romans 12:1-2;

These two verses sum up so much about Christianity.

 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will."

The first part of this passage is the most important. In this verse, the "therefore" is meant to draw in everything that Paul has been trying to get across since the beginning of the letter.
Which, in summary, is that we humans are all deserving of hell. Our sins are hate crimes against the throne of God. It is spitting in the face of our Creator. It is rejection of all things pleasurable and good, for twisted versions leading to pain. It is saying no to love and joy, for manipulation and pain. It is an attempt to defame God's glory, to say that He is not worthy to sit on the throne as the Holy Ruler.
Yet, God, in His mercy, sent His Son to die for His enemies, so that they may be saved. And this salvation that He has given us as a gift, cannot be earned, or else it is not a gift. If it can be earned, that means that God could be in debt to mankind, which is not true.

This is a very short summary, and I don't claim to have gotten the entire message across. So I encourage you to study it for yourself!

So, remembering all of this, let us look to God's mercy. In view of God's mercy, let offer ourselves as living sacrifices, Holy and pleasing to God, which is a spiritual act of worship.

Let's honestly take a look at God's mercy and grace, and what it means for us. When we do this, grace leaves no room for pride. Because it shows that everything we have ever done has killed us, and grace, which is a product of what we had no part in, comes in and erases our efforts and saves us from the wages of our efforts.
Grace kills our pride because pride tells us how great we are, and that we are capable of earning God's favor, but grace says no. That even our good acts are extensions of our pride and selfishness in that, we do "good" things just to earn a painless eternity.
Pride is the root of all of our sins. This idea that we have the "right" to do what we do. So if grace kills pride, that then enables us to sacrifice ourselves in an act of worship.
Reflecting on grace and mercy puts a right perspective in our minds of what and who we are. Which allows us to worship God in a holy and pleasing way.
Even our worship revolves around His grace!

Don't be conformed to the pattern of this world. In other words, be weird and don't fit in. Sure, you can participate and hang with the world. But don't live and act worldly! Just because the world lives one way does not mean that you have to live that way in order to relate. The way you relate to the world is that you both desperately need grace. But if you truly understand this grace, this grace will change you. It kills pride. We are supposed to live in such a radical and unnatural way that the word Paul uses to describe this difference in our lives is transform. It is a complete and total morph of our lives, starting with our very thoughts; the renewing of our minds.
And by this transformation, we are then given access to know what is the perfect will of God.

But it all starts with grace, and is all possible by grace.
We Christians are nothing, we are evil people being transformed by a Crazy Love.

Thanks for reading,

Dear Church

Please excuse me if I come across judgmental in this post; it is because I am writing from the perspective of those outside the church.

Dear church, I'm looking at you from the outside in, because the way you act doesn't convince me that I would be welcomed in. And all the times I came to you visiting I was pushed aside as you would formed you little cliques. Some of you said hello, that's cool, but that was the extent of our relationship. I had always been told to come as I was and Jesus would accept me, so I came with what I had on but your Christians rejected me.

Dear church, I am baffled at your claims, you say that you're a family, but I walk away and see old ladies gossiping. So all of my pains, struggles, past and sin that I came to you to get help with, I'll keep my mouth shut cause my sister who is looking for love, you called a slut. It's like you can't see anything outside the walls of your building. And it's killing us because we are just hurting people looking for love. You are too busy raising your hands and "worshipping" to put them down and pick up the man off the streets. You're like that priest or Levite walking down the road and see some guy who's been beat and left to die, bleedin out, veins about to run dry, but you say sorry, I don't have time.

Dear church, you come across invincible, and it's insane cause you expect us to be indestructible when we meet your Jesus but we've had enough of you. Because we aren't indestructible or invincible, but we feel extremely invisible. Because you claim to have the love and purpose that has us searching an thirsting but we can't have it unless we come to be churchy, but we go to churches unloved and feeling unworthy. We're hurting.

Dear church, how can you expect us to think you will accept us when we are filled with sins, hurts and fears; when you won't accept us in your buildings when we rock jeans, a t-shirt and Nike gear.

So dear church, don't expect to find us who are lost in your brick temples where we feel lost, cause we aren't accepted as gangstas and goths. And if some of us have been abused, used, raped, or molested, we won't tell you cause we reject your message. Cause your message is not what we expected. Cause we expected healing power but instead you have ruling powers, living wealthy building babel's tower. Tryin to teach us that Jesus receives us if we trade our life to a culture of preachers. But that's not me so I guess I won't see ya. And I'll continue to let my life be ruled by the lies of media. Because even though it's not good the things they teach us, at least we don't feel like hell bound heathens.

Respectfully,

The lost and dying of this world.

Thanks for reading.

True Beauty

Women. You will always be ugly as long as you are searching for this world's beauty. This world is never satisfied. It always wants more. Always wants better. If you don't believe me. Look at the electronics industry. Women. Some of you believe that you are ugly, worthless,  you may even think of yourself as trash. And you think this of yourself because guys treat you like that. I mean sure, they have no problem complimenting you. But they also have no problem saying sexual things towards or about you. They make your beauty an object of their lust, and it degrades you. This world is lying. They have beauty all wrong. If beauty is wrapped up in looks then that means that all women will become virtually worthless as they get older. Looks fade. But that's the thing! It's not all about looks. Beauty goes deeper. There is a beauty that each woman has due to one thing, God made you in the image of His beauty. Beauty is also found in character. Your heart is of more value then your body. And any guy who believes that, won't degrade you or try to use your body, simply out of respect and value for your heart. Women. Your beauty that you have is not something you were given as a tool for men's sick minds. You are your beauty. You are the beauty. You are beautiful. Beauty that is holy. Pure. Perfect. So beautiful that The King is captivated by you (psalm 45:10-12;). Don't believe that you are anything less women. Because you hold an insane amount of worth. You are a treasure. Loved and cherished by God. Guys. If any of you have done anything to degrade a girl. By the words you say or anything. Making her feel like dirt because you tried to use her for your selfish desires. Go and beg for forgiveness. Apologize. Man up and take responsibility for that.

Satisfied in Him

I have heard something my whole life that is absolutely crazy. That everyone has that special someone that they are supposed to marry. I have been told this in so many different ways. TV, Movies, Music, Family, Friends, Church even. And it's crazy cause... I am not too sure that it's true.
What about all those children who's parents aborted them? They never got married.
What about those who live longer, yet die in a freak accident? They never got married.

I read a book awhile back, it was a Biography of Corrie Ten Boom. And one thing that caught me, is that she never got married. She was so content and satisfied in God, and living for Him, that she didn't need it.
Paul was the same way. Paul even went as far to say that, we shouldn't strive to be married. But rather strive to get the gospel to the world, and not to worry about marriage. He didn't say it was a sin to be married. Just that one may be more effective if they didn't marry.

So, what if God doesn't have it planned for all of us to be married? What if God planned for you not to be married?

I know, it sounds insane. But what if we aren't supposed to be so wrapped up and focused on that? What if our entire focus is supposed to be on this mission of giving people the Gospel, and nothing else?

And this is a struggle for me. Because one of my greatest desires is to get married. To have my own family. (I'm a hopeless romantic.) But what if I am not supposed to be married?

More so. My life, isn't going to be easy. Where I dream of going, isn't the typical dream. I want to live amongst poverty stricken people. I want to be beaten. I want to live where I may be persecuted for Christ. I do not say this to brag on myself. But how could I possibly even begin to ask someone to live that life with me? No one in their right mind would want to.
Let's face it, in the words of a friend of mine, Raw Love for Jesus isn't sexy. Just read through the book of Acts. Jesus freaks. The type of guys you see constantly quoting Scripture. Not just that, they were beaten left and right. They probably weren't the most attractive of men.
According to what the world calls attractive, Scripture quoting Jesus Freaks that were constantly getting beat up, isn't good looking. 

What if we are supposed to be so satisfied in God that we don't need a spouse? What if we are supposed to be so focused on this mission that has been handed to us, that we don't need to focus on relationships so much? What if not all of us are meant to get married? One of my greatest desires in this life is to get married. I want my own family. But here and now I am telling you that I am so in love with Jesus, so satisfied with Him, that I don't need it. And to the best of my ability I will no longer chase anything else. Jesus is my master. I am His slave. And His desires are now mine. So even if this means I never marry, so be it! Though I would prefer otherwise. I will joyfully praise God and accept that as a gift of He chooses that path for me. I wear my chains proudly. I am bound to Christ. Holy is He.

To All The Ladies:

I hate going in public. I seriously do. It's heart breaking. To see the measure of what we have embraced. Events Christians. I hate seeing girls who are hurting but are doing well to hide their hurt; I see straight through it. They are searching so desperately for someone to fill this void they have, that is begging for love. And it gets worse! Because girls now are having this ideology shoved down their throats that they have to be "flawless" and willing to sleep with a guy, in order to be loved. I see girls, everywhere, who I can see that they have had a guy mistreat them. Whether it is an absent/irresponsible father, or a guy who manipulated and used them for his own lust. And it gets worse still. Women. Most of you are bowing down to this worldly standard. It shows by the way you act towards guys, the way you dress, and the words you say. I see girls all the time being incredibly flirtatious to guys. Being crazy not because it's their personality. But because they are looking for the love and attention. Which many times is something that a father in their life failed to supply. I see girls who strive to be attractive. Striving for a worldly standard of beauty. They are constantly convinced that they are not beautiful. And they will go to crazy lengths for affirmation of some sort, even wearing stuff that shows too much. There are a million different ways in which I can see the state of hurt in a girl. But the one that shocks me the most? When a girl says a sexual joke. It's sickening. Because I know that guys who say such jokes have their minds constantly on sex. How do I know? I used to be that guy. And it's so crazy degrading to women. It is literally making them an object to be used for momentary thrills. Where as women are treasures. Meant to help men. Not meant to be used by men. And so when I hear a girl say a sexual joke. My heart breaks. Because she's now degrading herself. She is then bowing to that low standard given to women. And making herself a tool for men to selfishly use. Women. You are more. You are more. Any guy that says sexual jokes. Doesn't deserve you. Because honestly, if he is saying that stuff, he is probably addicted to porn, and probably only interested in your body, and probably will stop "loving" you sometime after he's gotten what he wants. Women. You are more. You are so much more! You don't need to be so crazy to be loved. You are loved! So infinitely more than any guy could supply. We are only men. Do you not remember that it was a man who failed to fight when his woman was attacked by Satan? So don't expect us to fix you. We can't! You don't have to fight for attention. Please don't. Be you. God made you the you that you are for a reason. Because that you is beautiful. And that you is beautiful, because God made you so. You don't have to dress up. Or dress down. Or whatever. You don't even need makeup to be beautiful. Goodness girl, you're made in the image of the beauty of a Holy God! And women. You don't have to bow to that standard. Believe it or not. There are some guys who could care less about your body. Who care about your heart more than anything. They will not ask you to do anything that would degrade you. Because they respect you. Because they see you as a treasure, not a tool. I know a couple guys like that. Who have literally told me, that they wished girls didn't wear makeup all the time. Because they want them to be them. There are guys like that. And one day. I hope to love God like they do. Good guys still exist. Jesus Loves You. And He Alone Can Heal Your Hurt. He Alone Can Love You Right. So Chase Him Alone.

A hard day reviewed.

Ah. What a day. Haha. That's all I can say to sum it up. Today has been a crazy day. Pretty insane. It started out with me waking from a dream where a friend of mine was crying because of something I had done/said. But I don't know what it was. I woke up before I was told. As the day continued, I was very frustrated by that dream. More of stressed. I felt like I had failed my friend, and that the dream was just me finally realizing it. So the first couple hours I felt like a failure, in general. And after awhile, very worthless; for several reasons. Part of that being that, I feel as if I have failed, offended, and stressed out my family, and two friends that I care deeply about. And I don't know why, but when I feel like I have failed people this bad, I feel like they want nothing to do with me. I feel like the best thing I could do for the people I have hurt is to cut them out of my life, simply cause I failed them. Not cause of anything they have done. Lately, I have felt like I am wasting my life. Because everything that is done on this earth that is not for the glory of God is a waste. And I don't feel like I am doing anything for Him like I want to and I need to. And somehow, this thought began rising in my mind, telling me that I the only way I would feel any level of worth, is if I were famous. Which really is insane cause fame has never been appealing to me. Ever. So. At this point, I feel totally worthless. I feel like my life is wasted. And that I *need* fame. Naturally I was frustrated. And then another thought came up. This one telling me that I would feel better if I went out and had sex; to put it simply. This thought/temptation is all to familiar with me. I get this everytime I am stressed out for an extended period of time. Lust hits me hard. Needless to say, I have felt very beat down today. Well, this week I have been reading a book that I have been wanting to read for some time; Desiring God by John Piper (every Christian needs to read this book). Let me just say, this is one of the most convicting books I have ever read. It has made me continuously question how much I really believe God. More thoughts enter my mind. Of how I don't. And to be perfectly honest with you. Today, I seriously considered walking away from Christianity. Just giving up. You probably think I'm insane. Well. Yeah. But here's the deal, I don't know how to do 50% in my life. If I am passionate about something, I'm all in. And so today, just this continuous attack telling me that I am not truly satisfied in God, tore me apart. The thought that the one thing I put my all into, I don't really find satisfying? Man, it killed me. You see, this is my life. Everything I want to do in life, everything I believe, every dream, everything is shaped by this belief. But am I in this just for me? Am I in it for the benefits? In it for the gifts and not the Giver of all good things? So what did I do? Well. I kept reading that convicting book. And it continued to tear me at the seams. There were times that I would just sit and listen to music. (Check Trip Lee's Fallin' & Lecrae's Prayin' For You). And some moments that I would just pray. And after awhile. I just started prayin against Satan. Asking God to fight for me. You see too often we read stories like David and Goliath and we say "have faith and you will kill the giant!" But Jesus is saying "be the scared Israelite warriors! It's okay to be afraid, he's bigger then you and he would kill you. Make me your David, and I'll kill the giant for you." Immediately after realizing that I need to let God battle. I ran to my refuge. My only refuge. The promises of my Holy Daddy. And I knew exactly where to turn. Psalm 18. When I cry for help. God comes in fury. He wipes my enemies away. They don't stand a chance. He does this. Because He delights in me. Even Though I feel like it all the time, I'm not worthless. I am a child of God. And with Him by my side, none can stop me. With Him, these desires for fame and sex fade. When I'm with Him. I'm more than just safe. I'm powerful. I am His treasure. And He is mine. I can only move forward from here. Confident in God. I can only pray that I have not destroyed relationships that I treasure deeply. But what happens God will use for His glory. I can only make effort to repair. And pray. If I can. Let me quote Paul to you as a request from me. Pray for me. That I will abe bold for the gospel as I ought. Pray for me that I will have strength to fight these thoughts. Pray for me. And hey, if you need prayer, let me know, I got your back. Thanks for reading, John Mark,

I really can't stand

Going to "church'.
Go ahead, throw your stones if you will. But I'm just gonna be honest with you, as always.

I seriously walk into this building I attend, and each time, I feel empty. I am made extremely uncomfortable. Because it's so fake. Seriously, if my church is a perfect picture of Christianity, I want out.
It literally looks more like a Pagan religious ritual then it does brotherly fellowship that is described in the book of Acts. The Worship is a Doldrum, Missions are nearly absent. Discipleship is pretty much unheard of. And hardly anyone knows anything of what they believe. Some of them believe so basic, it's not even basic, it's John 3:16 without the rest of the chapter, much less the rest of the book.

I walk in, I see people who look more like the same pharisees that hated Jesus then the broken rejects that would cling to Him.
I walk in with shorts and a T, and people look at me like I'm insane... can I get really "Biblical" and wear a Fisherman's garb, girding up my loins? Or be a true Baptist, covered in the dirt of the deserts and clothes of camel hair?
If someone walked into my church, with tatts and piercings, I would bet money that they would feel judged, not loved.
Going to that brick building makes me sick.

We are so caught up in that building. It's more of a club membership then the Church. Ya know? Go there a coupla times a week, participate in the standard events, and then just hang with friends? You got those people near the fence whispering, and you can't help but look over your shoulder wondering what they are saying about you. It's twisted.
We call that building, "the church". We are so wrapped up in it.
Seriously look at your church, and honestly ask yourself, how hindered the worship and ministry would be if the building burned down. Messed up.

I walk in, and I feel empty. I look around baffled, asking "this is it? this is what people have died for? this is why people have been tortured, burned, and brutally, mercilessly murdered? this, is why my Jesus died? this, this can't be it.

Don't get me wrong, I have experienced true church before. Quite often actually. I have a friend in my youth group, and we get together frequently and discuss the Bible. It's amazing. I love it. We are cracking issues that have long baffled me. I am forever grateful for him. I praise God for the time we get together, it has helped me grow so much. In fact, our time studying has led to all this conviction about the church.

You see, the beautiful thing about Christianity is that it fits all cultures. You don't have to go to a culture and change it, because Christianity fits all of them perfectly. But in America, at least as far as I have seen it, our churches have our own culture, and anyone who walks in has to conform to it.
We have to "dress our best for God" rather than come as we are.
Don't get me wrong, if you feel convicted and it is a way that you worship, then so be it! But if I choose to walk in with jeans, a hoodie and a snapback, leave me be, cause I worship by coming as I am.

Our church needs so badly to get seeking the lost. Get into the broken communities. We have so many programs, but we never go and serve like Christ did, and like the Church is supposed to.
It's heartbreaking. It's sickening.

I want to ask you to join me. Join a movement with me, and many others. To break barriers in the culture. To change our churches. Start, by just being you when you worship! Whether you are dressy, or you are messy. Be you! Don't put a mask on, be who you are.
Then, find a way to hit the culture with the gospel, introducing the broken to good news, and not a new culture. Live for God. Don't live a Pagan ritual.

Hope you get something out of this. Thanks for reading.

John Mark,

Crazy Love:

Crazy Love. This Love is insane. Just straight insane.

Have you ever cared the world about someone? No matter what they did, to you, or at all, you still held on? You still looked to the good in them? Never changed your opinion of them, still respected, admired, and adored that person? Yeah? Did you ever feel like giving up? Did you? Yeah? Hm.

God probably knows what that's like. I mean, He loves, and cares for us insanely more than any of us could ever hope to love. The crazy thing about it is that, He knew before hand that we would be difficult to deal with. Yet the guy still holds on. Wow.
God never gave up on me.

For a long time I have pondered the question, what is Love? Love is incredibly abused in our culture. It is overused and has lost any significant meaning for the most part. I believe, Biblically, I have figured out the answer.

1st Corinthians goes through the attributes of Love. They are the results. That when you love someone, that is how you will treat them. Sure, we are human, we will fail, but we will fight for those attributes.

But Love, what does it mean to Love someone? Love is a choice to act. You choose to Love someone. And then you allow that choice to consume your actions towards them. And this is where these attributes play out.
Love doesn't give up. Ever. Just as God never left us even when we hated Him, so Love doesn't give up. Love never fails.

True love, is love with the person, not a body. Falling in love with who they are, not what they can give you. Falling in love with them, not what comes with them. If you can't love them when they aren't dying or disabled some how, then you don't really love them. One day, I want to be so crazy in love with someone, as I am being led by Christ, that even if she had cancer, I still would want to marry her. I want to love with a love that never gives up. Always holds on. Always fights. Always loves.

Check this video:

http://vimeo.com/38033654

I want to love like that. Like Christ did. That even though the person may be broken, you still hold on.

It's so simple, that it will make most men choke. Crazy though. I hope to love like Christ.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!

John Mark,

If I were perfectly honest:

Porn is attractive. If I were to be perfectly open and honest with you. Satan is no fool, he's not going to make something so incredibly destructive that isn't really, really good looking. There are a couple things I am going to go into on this subject, and I hope you take something from it.

Porn isn't limited to just looking up undressed women online, it's more. Porn can be the images of nearly undressed women on a magazine, a scene in a movie or TV show, a sexually explicit song, or joke. Anything and everything that causes a man's thoughts to become wrapped up with sex. What ever causes a man to fantasize that idea, is porn. It's destructive. It's deadly. And it's attractive. Porn is most accurately described as anything that causes a man to lust. And Christ said that lusting after a girl is the same as having sex with her, so in reality, lust is rape. Yeah, it's extremely sick. That being said, I struggle with porn. I struggle walking in a store, to keep my eyes off of a magazine. To stay away from media that preaches these things to me. I struggle, like crazy. And it kills me. I hate it.

Porn, lust, is deadly. The Proverbs talks about adultery leading to death, all the time. From both, my experience, and study of this, I have noticed several affects of these two.

Anger. It makes a man so hateful, so angry. They will lash out due to the smallest thing. In rage, without mercy, and it's crazy. In this relationships are destroyed. Trust is lost. People are hurt, afraid, and want nothing to do with the person.

It degrades a man's view of women. They no longer are a treasure, they are an object, a possession to be used for pleasure. They are tools for a man's lust. The sacredness that men should view women in is destroyed. For someone addicted (not necessarily a simple struggle, but a straight up addiction) all they think about is sex when they see a girl. Sex controls their thoughts. Thoughts become words, and thus comes sexual jokes.

Porn/Lust goes so much deeper than all this, in ways that I praise God I don't know, and that I pray I never do. It kills in a marriage.

I say all of this for a couple reasons.

1: I am tired of being a goody-two-shoes. I mean, no, I'm not going to just sin all I want. What I mean is, I am tired of looking so good on the outside when I struggle. I want to be open, I want to be transparent. Why? Honesty heals. I want people to see my struggles and realize that I do not at all, have everything under control. I want to teach them what I am learning as I fight through these struggles. I want them to realize that I will not judge them for their faults, because I have my own.

2: I want to show guys, young or old, why they need to destroy this sin that they struggle with. I want them to realize how dangerous it is. Because with each glance, every fantasy, they are discriminating women, and destroying the value that they will hold for their wife. She will become just another object of lust, and not a treasure. Trust will break, and the marriage will fail. The husband will most likely become very angry and abusive. Why? The girl was nothing but a tool for the guy's lust. Lust, porn, it's so deadly.

3: I want to in a way, show why I don't do stuff that other people do. The reason why I don't listen to certain music, and watch certain things. It's not because I am some great Christian, it's actually the exact opposite. It is because I am weak that I refuse to watch and listen to these things. Because they make me fall in my Lust. I don't do these things in order to protect my mind. It's a defense. Because I don't want to pursue a girl and have all of my thoughts focusing on her body rather than her heart. I want to treasure her, not use her. I want to desire only my wife, and not other women. I don't want my desire of my wife to be just a simple replacement of a desire of other women. I want to keep my mind, and motives pure, before and during marriage. And habits don't just die when you get married. What you struggle with before marriage, will catch you after. So I am fighting to kill these things now.

4: I want to try and help other guys defeat this sin, by showing how I have had success in this. No, I'm not perfect, and in my own strength, I am helpless. But I have Christ, and He helps me here.
You have to be intentional when fighting sin. You can't just think you're gonna pray and stop. You gotta fight. This is a fierce battle that we fight. Don't think you will win this battle without fighting. That being said, guard yourself. If there is anything that you participate with that causes you to fall, lust, and dwell on thoughts of sex, then get rid of it. If it tempts you to look up inappropriate images, then kill it, get rid of it.
Pray, but don't just pray. Spend some real time with God. In this battle, the Bible is our Sword, and the Spirit is our Champion Who is ready and willing to fight in our stead. Master your weapon. Like a trained soldier knows his weapon, so we should know how to use our sword. And know when to give it to God.
Rebuke Satan. Literally command him in the name, and by the Power of Jesus Christ--Who has set us free--to flee from you.

I hope this helps those who are struggling. Remember. God is forgiving, but don't take advantage of His Grace. Accept it. But don't abuse it.

Thanks for reading,

John Mark,

Hey, did you hear about...

I have been recently convicted, of something that I thought was extremely basic. Gossip. I guess I never noticed it. Because where I live, everyone thinks nothing of it. Everyone participates. Maybe its just because I am in a small town, where everyone knows your name.

But the more I consider this, not only does it seem silly and immature. It's not biblical. We are not supposed to talk about someone behind their backs.
And I'll be honest, it is hard not to be a part of this. It's hard not to jump into a conversation about someone. And worse yet, it's harder not to tell someone to stop! Listening to it is the same as saying it!
And another thing, am I the only one who walks away from a Gossipation (A conversation consisting of all gossip) asking what people say about me? Doesn't that just make you NOT want to trust those people?

Wouldn't it make sense then to assume that other people walk away from you (if you participate in gossip), wondering what you say about them? And generally not trusting you?
Gossip is damaging. It is damaging to the people that you say it about, to your integrity, and to your mind. Because all you can think about then is what you don't like about people. What they do wrong.
And, you become a victim. You can't help but wonder, are they mad at me? Why are they mad at me? What did I do? So on. Why? Because you've created a mentality of everyone is doing something wrong, and constantly wondering what people are saying about you.

This, if not controlled, goes into other areas, other relationships. Let's say you start to date, and that guy or girl, asks for some space, just for space. Maybe just to have some pure alone time, or to get their thoughts straight without their emotions concerning you getting in the way. If your thoughts are constantly, they are mad at me. Then your actions and words will be that way. You may even begin to talk to people about it, and may give him/her a bad image.

I write all this, jumbled mess to say, keep your mind pure. Conscience clean. Don't live your life worrying about what people are saying, and don't give room for people to wonder that concerning you. If it is not helping people, don't say it.

Thanks for reading,

John Mark,

Kony2012

You have, or may not have seen the video that is trending World Wide, Kony2012. If not, you need to google it and get informed. It is a great documentary on a serious issue, Joseph Kony, and his war crimes. The video is a well filmed, and professionally put together. It lasts about thirty minutes long, and drives home a strong point.

If you are anything like me, the video immediately made you want to join the movement, order the kit, wear the bracelet proudly, and litter society with the posters.
If you are anything like me, you wanted to get a gun and fight Kony yourself.

If you are anything like me, you crave for a movement.

You see, I have been noticing lately, how much teenagers, and college students want a movement. How much they want something bigger than themselves to fight for. Why do you think the military is so compelling? There has been many times I have been ready to enlist.

You know, I wish Christianity was like this. I mean, yeah, we are a movement, but... we're not... moving...
I mean, do you ever see Youth so caught up in telling people about Jesus? Not too much. Teenagers need people to pour into their lives, tell them that they can make a difference, change the world, and revolutionize history. After that, they just need direction. I mean, watch the video! That's the entirety of the message!
I strongly encourage you, if you are an adult, to pour into the lives of the Youth Group at your local fellowship. And direct them in how to change lives. Give them the opportunity, tell them how they can!
If you are a Teenager or College Student, you can! Even if you only change the eternity of one life, it is worth it! I challenge you, go! Change lives! Have people stand against you! Hate you! Some will love you! Change the world, be, Great!

If you are anything like me, you also wanted Kony dead... and then you thought about it and regretted that thought. This is only happening because the lack of the Gospel in this region. I ask you to do whatever it takes to reach these people with the Gospel. This should be our heart and burden, to reach an unreached people. Go. Please.

Thanks for reading,

Sincerely,

A Desperate, burdened, Heart.

The Gift Of A Father:

Recently I have been thinking much on the topic of Fatherhood, and Manhood.
I am around people all the time that come from backgrounds that, unlike mine, the Father is in one way or another, absent in their life. And then I see the flip side, where people do have a Father; and they treat him like dirt. Are you kidding me?

From my Background, I live without a Mother, so the Preciousness of a Parent is well known to me. And I also see the impact of the Lack of a Father figure in someone's life.

All this to say, if you do have a Father that Loves you, and has got your back. Be thankful. I don't care if you are upset. Be incredibly thankful.

Just some thoughts,

John Mark,